During the first round of Motown bailout begging, professional wordsmiths made the connection between Detroit’s $17.4b “bridge loan” request and Alaska’s “bridge to nowhere.” Thus “bridge loan to nowhere.” In fact, the Granvina Island Bridge project would have opened-up the Alaskan archipelago to real estate and tourist development. Boondoggle yes, but one with a long historical precedent and a reasonable expectation of some sort of commercial (i.e. taxpayer) return. In contrast, Chrysler’s supposed tie-up with Fiat is a genuine scam. The idea that Chrysler can become a viable automaker by re-engineering Fiat automobiles for the hugely competitive U.S. market is patently ridiculous. But not for Congress, the entity that offers the ailing American automaker its only hope for survival (cash). At least that’s the plan. And the man with the plan is ChryCo 300 designer Ralph Gilles. Speaking at The Automotive News World Congress [sub], Ralph told the world that he loves him some Italian. Well he would, wouldn’t he? But the details have to be seen to be believed. Or not, as the case may be.

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Once upon a time, I mistook an automotive journalist for a member of ZZ Top. After a proper introduction, L.J.K. Setright subjected me to a twenty-minute lecture on the Euro-Accord’s five-spoke wheels. He was deeply offended by the fact that the lug nuts didn’t line up with the spokes. I got the message: people who truly understand and appreciate engineering excellence are wrapped WAY too tight. And yet, the desire for a meticulously designed automobile transcends geekery. The market rewards over-engineering– or at least the aura of over-engineering (cough Mercedes cough). In that sense, the Acura brand is not without inherent appeal– despite the TL’s inability to live up to the marque’s upmarket aspirations. Which is a fancy way of saying the TL is an epic fail.

To qualify for additional bailout billions on March 17, Congress dictated that GM must clear two main hurdles: reduce its public debt by two-thirds (via debt-for-equity swaps), convince the United Auto Workers (UAW) to accept half of contributions to a retiree healthcare trust in the form of GM stock, and lower union workers’ wages to parity with foreign automakers. OK, three. Three main hurdles. Oh, and eliminate the union jobs bank. So, four. Four hurdles. Within two hours of the Bush’s bailout bonanza, the UAW considered the conditions and said uh, no. And now GM’s third largest bondholders have left the investor committee considering the mandatory d-for-e swap, claiming “We’re just not good committee members.” Not so funny now, eh Mr. Bond holder? More specifically, Bill Gross of Pacific Investment Management Co. (a.k.a. Pimco) has just administered the official kiss of death to GM’s shot at meeting Congressional loan conditions. Either the pols will change the rules (the “we’re sorry we were so mean” scenario), or this is it: the remaining money will be used for GM’s post Chapter 11 debtor-in-possession financing.

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And here they are: the final group of TTAC logos submitted by our Best and Brightest for our mutual consideration. The contest, such as it is, is now closed. The next step: we’ll choose our top ten and put them to a popular vote. Although we reserve the right to overturn democracy, the chances are excellent we won’t. There are a number of entries that are significantly better than what we have now. Which is nothing, but you know what I mean. After the selection process, we’ll offer readers the chance to buy the logo from car tatts. We’ll also put together some unique merchandise, like a branded rescue knife. Meanwhile, once again, I thank everyone who sent us a logo. I appreciate your time, dedication and passion.  [NB: Please click on images twice to defeat the WordPress compression algorithm method.]

Chicken and egg this. If Chrysler doesn’t score an additional $3b worth of bailout bucks, Fiat can/will walk away from their agreement to “buy” 35 percent of the ailing American automaker. The Wall Street Journal quotes “people familiar with the pact” to substantiate the proviso. Equally anonymous sources told the Journal (we hope) that if the loans go through, Fiat will take three seats on Chrysler’s Board of Directors. And then, “If Fiat meets goals for improving Chrysler’s operations within 12 months of the agreement, Fiat would have the option of buying an additional 20% of Chrysler for about $25 million, said people familiar with the matter. Details of the goals weren’t clear.” Twenty-five million? They’re joking right? Or is that the amount Cerberus would pay Fiat for 20 percent of Chrysler?

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Capn’ Mike is back from the Middle East. Our Road Test Editor has been busy looking for something tasty to take to his next posting in Germany. MS reports that the manual Mercedes 300 is a diamond in the smooth, offering more on-tap torque than its auto-equipped sib. It’s also a depreciation lover’s ideal whip. Not only is the manual transmission dead, but cars so equipped are a drug on the market, and it ain’t cocaine. In fact, I know of automotive journalists who can’t drive stick. After trying any of the new-generation paddle shifters, you can see why they don’t bother. At the risk of reigniting the debate over the zen and the art of the manual transmission, a properly sorted paddle shifter is wikkid pissa fun. Click, clack, track attack. But then, so is not getting your car stolen; and car thieves are just as stick ignorant as the general population. OK, peace of mind isn’t “fun.” But there’s nothing worse than waking up to find your car’s been lifted. Unless you paid for the service– which is very, very wrong and I don’t know a guy who knows a guy who can make it happen. And yes, the audio quality sucks today…

Why does The Detroit News scribe Scott Burgess feel the need to diss environmentalists to praise a gas guzzler? Defensive much? All the time. In this case, Scott uses a Cadillac Escalade Hybrid to launch the usual condescension cruise missiles on tree huggers. “When the word ‘hybrid’ is scrawled across the front, back and sides of this big SUV… It creates a moral dilemma even Dr. Laura may not be able to solve as well as a jagged little pill for 40mpg.org to swallow. Can an American have a vehicle with room for eight but be environmentally sensitive? Could the crest and wreath really create the Cadillac of hybrids? Apparently so. The new Escalade hybrid offers prestige, power and just enough greenness to annoy environmentalists. Naturally, I love it.” And I love that “room for eight” thing. As if the fact that all those empty seats in the blinged-out Yukatoahoeburbalade make it somehow more environmentally friendly like, say, a minivan.

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When it comes to moving the metal, Toyota doesn’t fool around. OK, they did do those stupid Tundra truck tricks. But how do you think a man like Mr. Toyonda got to be a man like Mr. Toyonda? By building on the brand’s rep for reliability. To that end, to expand the market for Priora and other hybrid models, Toyota’s adding “Toyota Certfied Used Hybrids” (TCUH) to their Toyota Certified Vehicles (TCUV) program. “Customers benefit from additional inspection and warranty coverage on Toyota hybrids within the program. Each vehicle comes with the three-month/3,000-mile comprehensive warranty, seven-year/100,000-mile limited powertrain warranty and roadside assistance plan offered on traditional TCUV models.” The program also “brings added awareness to a pre-existing eight-year/100,000-mile factory hybrid battery warranty.” In other words, same coverage, more rappers. The TCUH pre-certfication process includes 14 additional hybrid-related inspection points, including the hybrid transaxle, control modules and battery. Existing owners should benefit from improved residuals. Now, if Lexus will do the same for the LS600hL…

America may be generally averse to the hatchback genre, but hot hatches are a different matter. VW’s stellar GTI sold well enough stateside– after VeeDub eventually got around to bringing over the current gen. As Berkowitz will tell you, they would have sold even more uber-Golfs if the model was anything like reliable, if VW dealers weren’t such NSFWs and the starting price was a few thousand lower. OK, the Saturn Astra flopped, the Audi A3 just stood there, watching and even the hideous, horrendous U.S.-spec Ford Focus sells best in its four-door iteration. Hmm. What was I saying? Ah yes, the Euro-Focus RS. They’re starting to build them in Germany, and pistonheads on the other side of the pond are all abuzz. John Fleming, FoMoCo’s Europe’s CEO stokes the stoked. “We’ve had a huge amount of interest in this model from the loyal army of Ford RS enthusiasts as well as potential customers who have never owned an RS before. I am confident that they will fall for it the moment they get behind the wheel.” Which, for us in the U.S., is never.

Fritz Henderson is not a happy camper. Speaking at the Automotive News World Serious, GM’s Chief Operating Officer came off all emo, revealing a string of bad news without the usual spin. Of course, the event’s host chose to focus on the more, uh, upbeat side of Fritz’ speech. Henderson washed his hands of HUMMER, Saab and Saturn, albeit without announcing a “final solution.” And although “Pontiac is toast” isn’t the brand’s official tag line, it might as well be. “Henderson said the four core brands [Chevy, Cadillac, GMC and Buick] comprised 83 percent of GM’s total sales volume in the United States last year. Going forward, the Pontiac brand will ‘shrink substantially,’ Henderson said. But the fact that GM is investing heavily in the Buick brand in China will benefit that brand in the United States. ‘When you see the new LaCrosse, it will be very familiar to the one you’ve seen GM reveal in China,’ Henderson said.” And now, the real deal, brought to you by the MSM…

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“With its sophisticatedly produced light metal wheels, AEZ targets an equally demanding and style-conscious clientele. An image, which is not just underlined in the new 38-page 2009 alloy catalogue by the high-quality product range, but also by the stylish model Caroline from Austria. For a whole week the photographer trekked with the stylish Viennese through the salines of Es Trenc in Mallorca for the shooting of the brochure. There she posed in the company of classy automobiles with partners made of cool aluminium that had exotic sounding names such as Lascar, Tidore dark or Tacana. In the resulting scenes, shot against natural backdrops, Caroline impressively showed that neither the industry-standard bare breasts nor promiscuous poses are needed to create a sexy aura.”

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Have you ever opened a real estate magazine and read “House prices suck. They’re going to get worse. Stay away from real estate”? Obviously not. It’s a perspective problem shared by the American automotive press, whose Panglossian reviews rankle anyone who wants the truth about cars. Yada, yada, yada. Advertising. Unfortunately, the non-critical kudzu is starting to spread. We’ve already blogged the Motown-friendly press’ straw-grasping predictions for a sales recovery. I’d kinda assumed they’d pipe down after December’s debacle. Sigh. “Despite doomsday auto sales forecasts for 2009, promising signs continue to emerge about early January sales in the United States and their potential for growth.” The Detroit Free Press isn’t free, and this is not what I call the press. “Pent-up demand for new vehicles grew to 820,000 new cars and trucks last year, as consumers continued to wait out the dismal economic environment before making a new purchase, according to a report released Monday by CNW Marketing Research. That’s nearly four times as high as pent-up demand was in 2007, CNW said, and the research firm predicted that ‘the bulk of those postponements are slated to return to market in 2009.'” And now, a reality check…

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Farley was first. Last week, Ford’s marketing maven threw down for The Blue Oval Boyz, declaring Crazy Henry’s mob’s would grab a bigger slice of the new car pie. Now Ed Peper’s prognosticating a more prodigious piece of America’s deflated new car market. Chevy’s brand Veep stepped up to the microphone at the Automotive News World Congress (our invitation got trapped by the spam filter) and told the world– well, Detroit– that the bow tie brand is ascendant. “We gained six-tenths of a point of (retail) market share last year,” Eddy declared. “This was the second-highest year-over-year share gain among all car brands, behind only Honda.” Hang on; what’s this then? “Chevrolet’s 2008 total market share was 13.5 percent, down from 13.9 percent in 2007, according to the Automotive News Data Center. Toyota Division overtook Chevrolet as the top-selling brand in 2008, rising to 13.9 percent from 13.4 percent in 2007.” Hmmm. Anyway, you’ll never guess how Chevy will steal sales from its rivals. Government checks for buyers? Well, not directly. (Just kidding. Sort of.) Nope. Marketing!

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President Barack Obama’s inaugural address promised that his administration will “harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories.” I’ve heard of solar-powered cars, but wind? Dreams for sail? But seriously folks, “the soil” can only mean one thing: bio-fuels. And although environmentalists would like to switchgrass (or sell you lows), that’s E85 to you and me, bub. The news comes too late for VeraSun. The ethanol producer, Obama supporter and alleged check kiter filed for Chapter 11 last Haloween. But, according to The New York Times, ADM’s still good to go. “Not long after arriving in the Senate, Mr. Obama himself briefly provoked a controversy by flying at subsidized rates on corporate airplanes, including twice on jets owned by Archer Daniels Midland, which is the nation’s largest ethanol producer and is based in his home state.” Anyway, as they say in the DC’s corridors of power, in for a penny, in for a few billion. Meanwhile, corn prices continue to climb…