Forbes hit the SEO (search engine optimization) mother lode when someone realized that Google hearts ten best lists. Since that fateful discovery, we’ve had The Ten Best Subcompacts for Badminton Players, The Ten Best Minivans In Which to Play Badminton and The Ten Best Muscle Cars for Overcompensating Badminton Players. Normally, I ignore these lists. But you gotta sit-up and take notice when Forbes expands their advertiser-pleasing OCD to a dead genre guzzling– SUVs– and ups the ante to “15 SUVs Worth Buying.” Huh? “Just because the movement in fuel-efficient or green cars looks poised to take another step forward [with the Volt], doesn’t mean SUVs are going the way of the dodo. It doesn’t even mean that they’re bad cars–or even bad buys.” The doubly negative (positive?) Jacqueline Mitchell reckons low prices and safety, safety, safety make SUVs OK again. But fifteen recommendations? I mean, who doesn’t get a look in? Just because you’re pandering to the major playas doesn’t mean you shouldn’t not widen the remit to the point where no one’s not included, does it? And let’s not even factor in depreciation, ’cause that would be a major downer. [Mercedes M-Class, Audi Q7, Acura MDX, Volvo XC90, Acura RDX, GMC Acadia/Buick Enclave/Saturn Outlook; Subaru Tribeca, Honda Pilot, Ford Taurus X, Volkswagen Tiguan, Saturn Vue, Hyundai Sante Fe, Honda CR-V, Mitsubishi Outlander and Subaru Forester.]

Stop selling. To be fair, it’s no surprise GM NA Prez Troy Clarke Troy felt obliged to respond to The Christian Science Monitor‘s anti-bailout ed. “Years of mismanagement, high executive salaries, and overly generous worker benefits have indeed hurt the Big Three… Detroit is no more deserving than many other US industries – textiles, furniture, toys – that have failed to compete well against foreign companies.” In response, Clarke quickly trots out the usual arguments: GM provides American jobs, GM’s [drug on the market] alt power cars help U.S. energy independence, climate change is a bitch, Mars is in retrograde, etc. And then we’re off in uncharted territory. For one thing, Clarke confirms the memo on the Volt’s non-ICE rechargable batteries. “The Chevy Volt, an electric vehicle that will go on sale in late 2010, will deliver 40 miles of gasoline- and emission-free driving on a single charge and hundreds more miles by using a small gas engine to generate additional electricity.” For another, he’s already talking about widening the federal loans’ retooling remit. “The capital raised through these loans can be spent on such efforts as increasing our nation’s R&D in advanced batteries and alternative fuels, and retooling our factories to build new vehicles that use these advanced technologies.” As for proof that GM has the brains for the job… “Nearly a century ago, GM introduced the automobile self-starter, a technological breakthrough that banished the hand-crank forever. As the Volt demonstrates, GM is still at the forefront of advancing automotive technology.”

Edmunds Inside Line reveals that GM has changed their propulsion plans for the plug-in electric – gas hybrid electric Volt. We were laboring under the impression– created by GM’s itself– that the Volt would complete its [theoretical] 40-mile all-electric range and then use its internal combustion engine to recharge the batteries on the fly. Nope. “A release from the day of the production prototype’s reveal reads, ‘a gasoline/E85-powered engine generator seamlessly provides electricity to power the Volt’s electric drive unit while simultaneously sustaining the charge of the battery.’ And by ‘sustaining’ GM says that it means only that no additional power is drained from the batteries.” Get it? If not… “Once a driver uses up his 40 or so miles of electric power, the 1.4-liter gas engine generates electricity to power the electric drive motor, but does not recharge the batteries. After the 40 or so miles, the battery becomes 400 pounds of uselessness, at least until the owner can plug the car into the electrical grid for a recharge. This means that regardless of how far one drives the Volt, the driver will only ever get up to 40 miles of electric-only range.”

Congress will approve $25b worth of federal low-cost loans under the 2007 Energy and Security Act. The funding will be included in a general bill that keeps the lights on down in DC. In other words, it’s a sure thing. And, let’s face it, a sweetheart deal. As The Detroit News reports, “The Big Three automakers, which have poor credit ratings [!!!], could save more than $100 million per $1 billion borrowed and will get as much as 25 years to repay the loans. They could also ask the Energy Department to defer repayment for up to five years.” And now, the bad news: the program won’t be expanded into a slush fush for the struggling Detroit automakers. The language continues to mandate that the money be used for retooling old factories to build fuel efficient vehicles. The good news: “…the U.S. Department of Energy will have broad latitude to determine how and which projects will qualify for loans under the program.” Let the lobbying begin! The bad news: “This is a $25 billion loan program (and) we’re going to carry out our due diligence in implementing a program this large,” Energy Department spokesman Healy Baumgardner promised. Translation: automakers aren’t likely to see any loans until spring of next year at the earliest. The consolation prize: the Volt will qualify for a $7500 federal tax credit. You know; after Uncle Sam gives GM billions to build it. Sweet!

“We want auto finance companies to be able to raise the money they need to finance more auto purchases.” Well I bet you do, Ms. American Financial Services Association spokeswoman Lynne Strang. But c’mon, are we really talking about Uncle Sam taking over bad car loans? Yes, we are. “The American Financial Services Association is asking Congress to allow auto finance companies and other institutions to tap the $700 billion bailout fund designed for the troubled mortgage industry,” Automotive News [sub] reports. “The trade association, based here [Washington], also is proposing that automobile loans be classified as ‘troubled assets’ along with home mortgages.” Just another lobby group wanting a suck on the federal teat? Well, yes. But this hungry mouth could well get fed. “U.S. purchases of distressed assets would help people, Mr. [Secretary] Paulson told The Wall Street Journal, by enabling lenders to resume making loans for homes, cars and small businesses, and by keeping the economy from sliding into a deep decline that would cost jobs.” When private enterprise depends on government largesse to survive, when an economy depends on bad debt rather than good productivity to thrive… where’s John Galt when you need him?

Dodge has a new full-size Ram pickup on the streets. Well, at the dealership. Anyway, the fact that it’s a gas hog– albeit a slightly more efficient gas hog– won’t come as much of a surprise to anyone familiar with the breed. Of course, a Washington Post staffer is hardly likely to be a member of the genre’s core clientele– or at least admit as much to his chardonnay swilling compatriots. And yet the WaPo’s nominal car critic Warren Brown feels compelled– compelled I tell you– to devote virtually his entire Ram review to the behemoth’s fuel economy, or lack thereof. “Our 2009-model test truck came with the short cargo bed — five feet and seven inches long. Had we gotten one with the long cargo bed, eight feet, we could have distributed our cargo over a longer surface, thereby reducing its height. We would have gotten better mileage that way… It usually takes more energy to drive four wheels than it does to drive two, especially if much of that driving will be uphill, which was the case on the New York end of our trip. The upshot is that we burned regular gasoline at the disappointing rate of 15 miles per gallon on the highway, an egregious consumption accompanied by a total $225 fuel bill for a round trip of nearly 700 miles.” On the positive side, “Chrysler is whacking as much as 40 percent off Rams’ list price.” Uh, that’s LAST YEAR’S Ram, Warren. Well, for now.

Even as Chrysler unveils its brand new bailout bait (a.k.a. prototype electric vehicles), the ailing American automaker has finally unleashed its long-promised Holy War on “under-performing” dealers. Lawyer Richard N. Sox, Jr., Esq.’s column in Dealer Magazine reports that the Keystone State is Ground Zero in ChryCo’s campaign to shed stores. “Chrysler has finally pulled the trigger on sending out notices of termination. As of this writing, Chrysler has apparently sent 10 Pennsylvania dealers a notice that their franchises are being terminated. It is unclear why Pennsylvania appears to be the test market for these termination actions. We know from experience that Pennsylvania’s franchise protections are relatively strong compared with many other states. It may be that these dealers are particularly poor performers and thus the easiest termination cases to win.” Mr. Sox gets his Gox box socks on and sets about cleaning ChryCo’s clock (while we play the “Pennsylvania” drinking game). Suffice it to say, “Under federal and state price discrimination laws, the VPA program is illegal in a situation where the dealer MSR is inappropriately inflated such that the dealer can’t qualify for VPA incentive monies.” Or, more prosaically, “There is a strong claim for damages, which should certainly get Chrysler’s attention and give the dealer added leverage in fighting a termination action.”

Dear GM Dealers:

Last week, I sent you a note asking you for your support for the Advanced Technology Vehicles Manufacturing Incentive Program legislation. I wanted to thank you for the response you have shown to date and ask you to continue that effort. I also wanted to let you know about additional developments regarding GM’s liquidity position.

We’ve seen unprecedented upheaval in the global capital markets and GM is responding to ensure its ongoing access to capital to fund operations and the North America turnaround.

First, GM agreed last Friday with an existing institutional holder of its corporate debt to exchange $322 million worth of Series D bonds due to be repaid in June 2009 for 28.3 million newly issued shares of GM common stock. This exchange will save us money on debt repayment and interest expense and reduces the amount of debt currently on our balance sheet, a change likely to be greeted favorably by credit ratings agencies.

Secondly, GM has tapped the remainder of its $3.5 billion in its secured revolving credit facility. This facility has been in place since 2006 and allows GM to borrow funds at an attractive rate.  Given the events in the banking industry in recent weeks, we felt it was most prudent to draw the funds now and have the cash on hand as the need for it arises. A portion of the funds will go toward approximately $750 million of retiring debt and, pending court approval, payments to Delphi in excess of $1.2 billion to aid in its reorganization efforts.

I also wanted to reassure you that the internal liquidity plans announced on July 15 are on track, and these latest actions are consistent with our intention to safeguard GM’s access to cash. We will continue to look to the capital markets and other sources of liquidity as opportunities become available.  The economic outlook remains uncertain, but we are pursuing every avenue to guarantee GM’s ability to fund ongoing operations and to emerge from the recent downturn a stronger and more competitive company.

We appreciate your partnership in this effort and will continue to communicate with you about our activities as circumstances warrant.

Regards,

Mark LaNeve

Vice President

Vehicle Sales, Service and Marketing

The Financial Times has some scary ass shit to share re: the American mortgage meltdown. Scribe Nouriel Roubini reckons there will be another wave of bad news, as the so-called “shadow banking system” unravels. (And that’s no Bolero.) We’re talking broker-dealers, hedge funds, private equity groups, structured investment vehicles and conduits, money market funds and non-bank mortgage lenders. These guys face the final stage of collapse: “a run on thousands of highly leveraged hedge funds. After a brief lock-up period, investors in such funds can redeem their investments on a quarterly basis; thus a bank-like run on hedge funds is highly possible. Hundreds of smaller, younger funds that have taken excessive risks with high leverage and are poorly managed may collapse. A massive shake-out of the bloated hedge fund industry is likely in the next two years.” And then… “The private equity bubble led to more than $1,000bn of LBOs [Leveraged Buy Outs] that should never have occurred. The run on these LBOs is slowed by the existence of ‘convenant-lite’ clauses, which do not include traditional default triggers, and ‘payment-in-kind toggles’, which allow borrowers to defer cash interest payments and accrue more debt, but these only delay the eventual refinancing crisis and will make uglier the bankruptcy that will follow. Even the largest LBOs, such as GMAC and Chrysler, are now at risk.” Bottom line for the U.S.: recession. Bottom line for GMAC (and thus GM) and Chrysler? C11.

What if you built an Elise-based, lithium-ion powered, re-bodied Lotus Elise and loads of people wanted to buy one but you couldn’t actually build the God damn things? At least not in enough quantity to make a profit. What would you do? Meanwhile, Tesla continues to hype its Roadster, hoping that its production problems will continue to be seen as “exclusivity.” The Seattle Times does its part to keep the dream alive, hyping the arrival of the Roadster into the great Northwest. “The company is bringing at least one of its Roadsters to Seattle for the first time this weekend for private events with several dozen buyers, many of whom paid huge deposits years ago to help the company get rolling and secure the earliest cars.” When the wait becomes “years,” you know Tesla’s got trouble. By the same token, “They’ll still have to wait months or more [our italics] to take delivery of the $109,000 cars, which only began regular production in March.” Only seven months ago, eh? Anyway, Tesla’s talking about a Seattle showroom and Microsoft’s million and billionaires are all over this thing. In theory. As a PC user, I find that deeply worrying. [thanks to Ryan for the link]

We’ve given Alex Taylor III grief about remaining in Detroit denial. Well, you can forget all that. Fortune‘s Senior Writer rips GM’s plug-in electric – gas hybrid a new asshole in his latest epistle “Will the Chevy Volt save the world? Please! It isn’t even enough to save General Motors.” In paragraph two, Taylor’s unloads both barrels of his rhetorical shotgun. “To put the Volt in perspective, it is an expensive, low-volume automobile that will have no visible impact on GM’s market share, CAFÉ average or profitability. One cynic calls it ‘a Viper for tree huggers.'” I’d lose the diactritic mark over the “E,” but you can’t fault the man’s logic. “Even if GM can meet its deadlines and the Volt turns out to be a huge success, it isn’t going to matter to most people. At best, it will become a second or third car in the garages of the affluent.” Nor can you question Taylor’s TTAC-like editorial commitment, or penchant for Parisian metaphors. “Except for its celebrity appeal, the Volt is about as relevant to the survival of GM, much less the world, as Paris Hilton is to the future of Western civilization.” [thanks to mudhen for the link]

Why would Chrysler unveil its new Electric Vehicles (EVs) on CNBC? Hell if I know. What I can tell you is that is that I can’t tell you the battery type or supplier involved. ChryCo CEO Bob Nardelli claims the suspiciously Elise-a-licious (i.e. Tesla-esque) Dodge EV has a range of 150 to 200 miles and recharges in eight (110 volts) or four hours (220 volts). Prez Tom LaSorda says the “extended range vehicles” (converted Jeep and minivan) will have a Volt-like 40-mile all-electric range (400 mile range in total). Frank Klegon says his mob are developing a system that uses an electric motor in each wheel. And there’s the automaker’s latest Pokemon egg-shaped Neighborhood Electric Vehicle (NHEV). When asked if Chrysler can make these things price-competitive, Nardelli placed his hopes on federal bailout bucks. Which could well be the whole point of the exercise. [thanks to .soL for the link]

General Motors is busy negotiating new tax breaks from Michigan and not Michigan (to hold a sword over Michigan’s head). Automotive News [sub] details GM’s latest game of taxpayer dodge ball. “As laid out in a company proposal seeking tax and brownfield incentives from the state, the potential project targets five sites in Michigan for expansion, improvements, new construction, renovations and installation of new machinery and equipment.” Under the current terms of the $25b Department of Energy auto loan program, the money can only be spent on retooling old factories for production of fuel efficient vehicles, of which the Volt is GM’s prime candidate. “The MEDC [Michigan Economic Development Corporation] said it expects the Volt project to retain 14,380 jobs and generate $644.3 million in state government revenue by 2023. The MEDC recommended that the Economic Growth Authority approve a 100 percent employment tax credit for 15 years. To receive the tax credits, GM would have to retain at least 2,000 ‘qualified full-time employees’ at the five sites. The company now has 21,718 employees at the sites.” So, tens of millions of dollars in tax credits? Yup. Done deal. Wagoner pops-in to Flint on Thursday to reveal the good news. And yes, I know: they all do it.

Former GM division and parts maker Delphi has been bankrupt for over three years. During that time, three main factions have emerged: GM (who wants to draw a line under its Delphi-related losses yet keep parts flowing at a low price), creditors (who want to make sure they get their god damn money back in the face of an increasingly inevitable Chapter 7 liquidation) and the lawyers (banking hundreds of millions of dollars from both sides). Matters are coming to a head, as all three groups face a September 30 deadline for agreement. GM wants to trade $3.4b worth of pension guarantees for, get this, $2b from Delphi’s coffers. AND The General wants a legal guarantee that Delphi can’t make any more calls on GM’s cash. Ever. Delphi’s creditors are, of course, livid. As The Detroit Free Press reports “The unsecured creditors committee says those measures make the deal untenable by eating into their payout. Often in bankruptcy cases, unsecured creditors see only a fraction of what they’re owed after a company files for bankruptcy.” Not said: the creditors would get sweet FA in C7. “The creditors committee today plans to ask U.S. Bankruptcy Judge Robert Drain to allow it to sue GM on behalf of Delphi, saying the supplier didn’t do enough to turn around unprofitable contracts with the automaker.” In other words, never mind all that other stuff for a second; GM’s been paying too little for its Delphi parts. The lawyers? Happy, happy, happy!