If brevity be the sole of wit, Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli's latest email to his troops is a particularly humorless e-missive. Although ours is to question why (whether they do or die), it's the weekend. So I'll leave the parsing to TTAC's Best and Brightest. Suffice it to say Bob's commemoration of Cerberus' Chrysler purchase is a curious blend of woo-hoo, uh-oh and hey ho, let's go! We'll be sure to update our Chrysler Suicide Watch soon. Meanwhile, here's the text in full…

Journalism professors counsel aspiring scribes to avoid deploying numbers in the first paragraph. It’s a sensible prohibition. Although statistics (a.k.a. facts) give journos the imprimatur of authority, nothing’s more narcoleptic than naked numerology. Which is just as well. My math skills are only slightly better than my ability to pilot a Gulfstream IV. But I know a man who regularly rides in the back of one of these airborne ego-carriers, and he’s an accountant. And the CEO of GM. For the weekend, anyway. The question is, who’s next?

That's a lot of billions. Of course, GM camp followers will do the usual math, discounting "one time" charges to paint a more palatable picture of pissed-away profits. The New York Times does the math for those so inclined. "According to the earnings statement, the loss included $9.1 billion in one-time charges, $3.3 billion of which was for employee buyouts… Included in the results, the statement said, was $1.3 billion in write-offs that reflect the drop in value of trucks and sport utility vehicles in GMAC Financial Services’ portfolio…  Excluding one-time charges, G.M. had a loss of $6.3 billion or $11.21 a share, compared with income of $1.3 billion or $2.29 a share in the same period last year." And still the spin is spun. "We have the right plan for G.M., driven by great products, building strong brands, fuel-economy technology leadership and taking full advantage of global growth opportunities," GM CEO Rick Wagoner asserted. His optimism is based on this startling stat: "North American sales were down 20 percent, or 236,000 units, while sales outside of North America grew by 10 percent or 116,000 units. A record 65 percent of G.M.’s sales for the second quarter were outside the United States, the company said, while global market share was 12.3 percent, down 0.9 percent because of the weakness in North America." GM Death Watch later today.

Click here for a copy of the GM press release 

TTAC newcomer Ken Elias reckons his most excellent Chrysler Suicide Watch 37 flushed Auburn Hills' proverbial grouse from its metaphorical heather. Whatever the cause, ChryCo to reassure the world that it's not about to swan dive by revealing some of its financials. Automotive News [sub] reports that the ailing American automaker claims "operating income" of $1.1b for the first half of 2008. Jim Press, Chrysler co-president, said the $1.1 billion was Chrysler's earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation and amortization. Chrysler also had $11.7 billion 'in cash and marketable securities.'" CFO Ron Kolka claimed the number included $2.3b in "restricted cash" and excluded $2.3b in Voluntary Employee Benefits Association assets. The overall number is higher than a lot of analysts expected, but it includes the $2b ChyrCo borrowed recently. The main question: is Chrysler playing silly buggers with the books?

Not unexpectedly, Chrysler's results once again tumbled into terrible. The ailing American automaker's sales fell 28.8 percent overall. Sadly, the sales breakdown doesn't look much different than last month's. But that should come as little surprise; absolutely nothing has changed. Thanks to ChryCo's uninspiring and truck-heavy product mix, the sales chart again lists a whole bunch of double digit percentage drops.  Overall, cars were down almost as much as trucks:  28.2 percent for cars vs. 29 percent for trucks. The minivans have switched places – T&C up a few thousand, GC down a few hundred. Dodge's big hair van (the Journey) is selling slightly better than the brand-new Challenger. The smallest cars are again underperforming, with only the Jeep Patriot in positive territory, up a paltry 4 percent. A gaggle of discontinued vehicles– Chrysler Crossfire and Pacifica, and Dodge Magnum– are down in minus 80 percent territory. The Durango, which has not been discontinued (yet), due for Lame Duck Dual Mode hybridization, is also down 84 percent. Just 384 trucks left the lot. Chrysler's Project D fuel-sipping mid-size sedan can't come soon enough. Literally.

Rumor has it Rick's toast. Obviously, there's no way to officially confirm GM CEO Rick Wagoner's termination by GM's Board of Bystanders. But I want to state here, and for the record, that TTAC flagged Rick Wagoner as the wrong man at the wrong time in the wrong job from the moment we began our industry coverage. To those who say Wagoner made the best of a bad job, I call bullshit. The General Motors Death Watch and GM's financial record offer incontrovertible proof of Wagoner's ongoing managerial malfeasance. If nothing else, consider the fact that his administration relentlessly pursued a "we can cut our way to prosperity" philosophy. In this Wagoner has been deeply misguided. And misguiding. The CEO's failure to face the facts, both within GM and without, identify him for all time as a weak, ineffectual leader. Wagoner's lack of accountability– both personally and professionally– stands as an utter condemnation of GM's Board of Directors and America's "old school" corporate culture. Wagoner has pocketed over $100m and secured a bankruptcy-proof pension for himself and his heirs. His real legacy will be the psychological despair and economic misfortune of the one million-plus people whose livelihoods depend– depended– on General Motors' health and vitality. I'm sure Wagoner is a nice man, personally. I've never met a CEO of a major corporation who wasn't (and yes, I've met a few). But it's good riddance to bad rubbish.

As TTAC's Black Friday Redux coverage gathered pace, I paused to read a USA Today profile of VW's new U.S. boss. If you don't read the article too closely, you'll think that Stefan Jacoby is ideally suited for the job of resurrecting VeeDub's American fortunes. Jacoby makes all the right noises: no wafty American style VW's, better quality products, my VW Beetle convertible got me laid when I was in college, etc. Any German who describes himself as a "non-German German" is clearly sensitive to the cross-cultural issues the scuppered his predecessor's shot at popularity (and invite some serious psychological profiling). But it's what Jacoby doesn't say that's worrying. At no point does he acknowledge the complete and utter shafting U.S. VW dealers have given their customers. (Not all of them; yada, yada, yada.) While we dissect the dissolution of America's automakers, it's important to remember that the situation is even worse at the sharp end. Until VW– and everyone else in this biz– realizes that they've got to repair their dealer – customer relations, there will be little long term loyalty to be had. 

Ouch. The Summer of Detroit's Discontent (not to mention everyone else's) continues to hammer the worst laid plans of truck-heavy automakers. And while everyone gives FoMoCo CEO Alan Mulally credit for being the most "realistic" of The Big 2.8's helmsmen, he ought to have a word with his PR department. Do they really think headlining their all-caps press release "FORD FOCUS CONTINUES TO SURPRISE, OUTPACE SEGMENT" is going to distract anyone from the fact that Dearborn's darlings' overall sales are down by 14.7 percent versus last year? On second thought [via The Detroit News]… "Car sales were up 7.8% in July compared to a year ago. Meanwhile, sales were down 7.8% for crossovers, 54.4% for SUVs and 18.1% for pickups and vans." FYI, Focus sales (a horrible car by my snobby estimation), totaled 15,200 units. Toyota shifted 34,438 Corolla's in the same time period. Just sayin'.

Click here for Ford's sales press release 

(Note:  The numbers in the press release are adjusted for sales days, so they will vary from the unadjusted numbers reported here.)

OK, that's not the real name of Chrysler "We Don't Need No Stinkin' Leases" program. It's "Shop 'til You Drive." You have to admit: it's a lot less catchy than our version. I mean, I'm not quite sure how the ChyrCo message parses. Shop 'til you drive away? Shop 'til our salesmen drive you nuts? No se. Here's ex-Toyota and current ChryCo Prez Jim Press' official explanation [via Automotive News, sub]: "We are leveraging the move from leasing to retail purchases to offer our customers the best deals of the year and make buying as affordable as renting." No way Jose! Anyway, the bottom line: 40 percent off sticker for the Ram, 25 percent off MSRP for the Aspen, 24 percent off the Town & Country minivans and 28 percent off Grand Cherokees. Chrysler Financial is offering up to $2k cash on "select" retail purchases and expanding its 72-month financing. Apparently, Chrysler "Celebrates August Retail Purchase and Finance Enhancements." Please don't tell me a Lionel Ritchie soundtrack is heading our way…. 

Click here for "Shop 'Til You Drive Sales Event" press release  

Even Autoblog knows something's not right when GM announces a $15.5b second quarter hit. ("We're no industry analysts and we don't have any insights into the General's balance sheet, but a $15.5B Q2 loss and four strait [sic] quarters of red ink doesn't sound good at all.") Well, you don't have to be an industry analyst to know that GM's Attention Deficiency Disorder accounts for a large part of its misery. Representing our Best and Brightest armchair analysis semi-pro squad, I'd like to point out that Larry Burns, GM Veep R&D and planning (yes planning), does his employer no favors when he steps on the GM Fastlane Blog soapbox and declares "GM believes there is no single technology solution to displace petroleum." So compressed natural gas it is! "Natural gas, is enticing because it is abundant, affordable and relatively clean." Only… "We are not ready to commit to a future production plan." So, Larry, how do we get this party started? "If natural gas is to make a measurable impact, many vehicles need to use it, and it must be readily available. Collaboration with the energy industry and governments is key. Governments will likely need to provide incentives to encourage early adoption of the technology and to jump-start the fueling infrastructure." Will these guys EVER learn? Nope.

It's hard to believe that General Motors was once the world's largest company. It's even harder to believe GM was once the world's most profitable company. If there's one factor connecting the GM money factory of old with today's sinking ship, it's a sense of a boundless (senseless?) optimism married to a mien of manifest destiny. One wonders if GM could produce something as… seamless as this PR piece today. Sadly, yes. [Any resemblance between this film and a hypnotic smoking cessation video are entirely obvious.]

In a not-so-stunning piece of preemptive PR– before the July sales data hits the fan– Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli has told his troops that more fuel-efficient vehicles are on their way. The Detroit News reports Nardelli's four-wheeled fuel-sipping cavalry could arrive as early as next year, "possibly including an unexpected model to debut next year." Less specifically, "You very well could see some new platforms, some new vehicles out next year," Nardelli told reporters at a dealership dedication. The aggressively conservative head of the ailing American automaker also took the opportunity to introduce a new euphemism. "We continue to reprioritize our capital," Boot 'Em Bob reassured. "To make sure we are responding to one of the most significant changes we see in consumer buying preferences to downsize and look for fuel efficiency." Will a previously-conjectured partnership with Italy's Fiat or India's Tata Motors or Japan's Nissan or France's Renault or the UK's Ultima [just kidding] deliver this much-needed Chrysler product or products? To quote a Disney movie I can't recall, Mmmmmmm. Could be. Or better yet, Bob himself: "Partnerships with other automakers could be part of those new product introductions." So now you know. Ish. 

TTAC has its General Motors Death Watch Series and innumerable daily blogs on The General's fall and fall, but CNBC has it's own GM's Up Shit Creek website. In anticipation of next Wednesday's documentary "Saving GM," the peakcock people have added a new url to their e-arsenal: insidegm.cnbc.com. Of course, the title of this magnum opus and the fact that GM advertises heavily on NBC will have alerted TTAC's Best and Brightest that a major PR job is in the offing. (I'm thinking that if you downed a shot of Jack Daniels a everytime your heard the word "embattled," "beleaguered," "challenge" or similar, you'd be wasted by the first commercial break.) The program's strapline tells the tale: "In this original documentary, CNBC's Phil LeBeau goes inside GM [it was raining at the time] and reports on the company's dramatic struggle to transform its tarnished image and sagging fortunes." Even without whiskey, there's some funny shit coming down. In a clip from the show, Phil says, without irony, that Car Czar Maximum Bob Lutz' first job was getting his employer out of denial. And yet… "The quality gap only remains in the public's awareness," Maximum Bob asserts. "It's gone." Well something's gone; like CNBC's credibility. Wait, did they ever have any? 

I've been exceptionally busy on the flame-suppression front. This week, I've removed dozens of offensive comments, and permanently banned more than a few unruly malcontents. I'm not surprised. It's a painful time for anyone who had faith in the domestic automakers. The bad news coming from Detroit is coming fast and it makes them furious. At us. But a lot of the boneless chickens we've identified here over the last four years– giving credit to anyone with a pulse, bad branding, lousy product decisions, and on and on– are coming home to roost. Truth to tell, it's a good time for TTAC. Our visitor numbers are up. Nothing rad. Just the same organic growth. Which is fine by me. It means we're building a solid base of readers who "get it." And to this group I promise more solid journalistic work like Samir Syed's excellent interview with CAW leader Buzz Hargrove. We're limited by finances, but wherever we can, we will break news. Meanwhile, we, like you, watch the scene with an increasing sense of foreboding. Through it all, we'll be here, telling the truth about cars. 

[New podcast inserted. Thanks for your patience.] 

We've just heard from our sources that GMAC is about to announce that it will no longer offer lease deals on the Yukon, Yukon XL, Suburban, Tahoe, all full-size trucks, Envoys and TrailBlazers as of tomorrow. The General's captive finance arm will also raise the "money factor" (the leasing rate) on Cadillacs by two percent. Needless to say, this will be an enormous blow to GM's sales. We're told that GM has called a meeting of all mid-western dealers at the Rock Financial Showcase for the same day, [presumably] so that marketing maven Mark LaNeve can announce the incentive deals that will replace leasing. We also hear that GM is about suspend employee pricing on most car lines, such as the Chevy Cobalt, in order to make money where they can. We'll have more info as we get it. [hat tip to you-know-who-you-are]