Or not.

I almost bought a Dino, my personal choice for the world’s most beautiful car. Before making the jump into Fezza-land, I consulted an independent expert. “There are two kinds of Dinos,” he counseled. “Ones that have been completely restored and ones that need to be completely restored.” After I found a perfectly restored car, the Dino guru pointed out the next hurdle, “Will you drive it every week?” As a father of two small girls with enough work on my plate to keep me busy through several incarnations, I couldn’t hand-on-heart promise to give the Dino a proper weekly workout. “Then plan on regular rebuilds,” he said. I ended up commissioning a resto-mod Jaguar XK120. But point taken. Even modern cars don’t like sitting around doing nothing. AOL Autos warns that all those new cars piling up on lots not selling are devo. In other words, like the rest of us, they aren’t getting any newer. In fact, quite the opposite.

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You know . . . when it’s moving.

According to Frank Herbert, fear is the mind killer. Well, it’s certainly a sales killer. And now that Hyundai’s cut through the FUD to rack up some U.S. sales with its CYA buyer protection, we’re witnessing an international outbreak of MSMD (monkey see, monkey do). Stateside, Ford has lost—I mean launched its Advantage Program. GM offers customers Total Confidence (as if). And now, from the Land of Hope and Glory, Autocar reports that Volvo and Honda will pay for British buyers’ wheels for one year should they get the boot. Of course, to qualify, you have to employed first, then buy the car, then become unemployed. Kinda like betting against yourself. Anyway, if it’s a Honda, you need to be on the dole for at least three months before you get your car payment relief. If it’s a Volvo, we’re only talking about the C30, S40 and V50 models. In both cases, future deadbeats have to finance through the cars’ respective in-house lenders. Look for Honda USA to implement the plan here STAT. Meanwhile, why do I get the feeling that all these programs are opening the door to some serious fraud?

Now that April Fool’s Day is finally done, I can report with confidence that GM CEO Fritz Henderson did, in fact, say the following [via Daniel Howes at The Detroit News]: “People ask, ‘What changes are you going to make in management, in the organization,'” he says. “None. That would be a waste of time. We don’t have time. There are mechanisms to get this done. You just have to drive them hard.” And put them away wet, I suppose. Only Danny isn’t buying it, ’cause there’s that pesky little matter of all the other GM “stakeholders.” “The constituencies Henderson needs to drive hardest have reasons to balk. United Auto Workers leaders, strong backers of the Obama administration, figure their allies will protect them. Bondholders operating in Bailout Nation figure the feds are more likely to help them (and protect labor) than force GM into bankruptcy and risk the collateral damage to the shaky economy.” And so the countdown to GM’s C11 continues, steady-as-she-goes-down style, with the company’s caretaker taking care . . . of his own.

One of our moles has emailed ALL the dealer paperwork on GM’s Total Confidence program. Blogger, editorialist and aspiring car reviewer (knees must) that I am, I shall leave it to you, our Best and Brightest, to dissect the offer and how GM dealers might sell the plan (or simply give up and sign the opt-out sheet). Michael Karesh, former TTAC partner and ongoing TrueDelta operator, has done some stellar work uncovering the flaws in the residual guarantee part of the Total Confidence program. If you want the inside skinny via Michael’s Delta force, click here. If you want the read the real deal, jump.

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Now you may think that Tesla Motors, makers of the $109K+ lithium-ion powered Roadster, are acting in good faith re: taking deposits for their recently revealed Model S sedan. If so, GreenTech Media’s report that the Musk-scented company has secured 520 advance orders for the vehicle is a good thing: a sign of early adopters’ faith in Tesla’s ability to design, build and, eventually, sell the all-electric foor-door. Leaving aside Tesla’s past history of missing deadlines and changing announced specifications. With eyes wide shut, the fact that Tesla has collected $5K per car from 520 prospective customers, generating some $2.6M, is a good thing. Nothing wrong with raising a little—and in the car business $2.6 million is  microscopic—working capital. The fact that Tesla’s first model, the Roadster, isn’t profitable, and that the new money may be helping to prop-up THAT side of the business, is neither here nor there nor the subject of a court case. So . . . good news! There may be more money on Tesla’s table!

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Now that President Obama’s played a short clip of “Dr. Strangelove; or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love a GM Chapter 11” at his auto-related press conference, GM’s remaining stockholders have cottoned on to the inevitability of a GM Chapter 11. As TTAC’s Ken Elias predicted many moons ago, it’s only a question of time before the New York Stock Exchange de-lists GM. When Wagoner resigned and Obama opined, the zombie automaker’s share price began its final glide path. The stock plunged 25 percent on Monday and 28 percent on Tuesday. Yesterday, the price hit $1.58—before rebounding to $1.93, off 1 cent for the session. No surprise there. When the feds pull the plug, the stock will be worth precisely $0. The LA Times reveals the reason GM’s stocks are still publicly traded, by anyone. “Long-time GM shareholders may well figure there’s no point in selling now. If the stock becomes worthless, they can write it off for tax purposes at that point. Until then, it’s just a lottery ticket with extremely low odds of a payoff.”

The morning after U.S. new cars sales fell prey to the ides of March, ToMoCo’s MD sent General Motors a get well card. Yasuhiko Ichihashi told the AP that “Toyota was only hoping for an overall recovery for the U.S. auto industry, including GM.” Mr. Rising Tide Lifts All Boats (a.k.a. We’re All In This Together-san) said what’s bad for the U.S. auto business is bad for Toyota, as they share parts-makers. (A popular meme amongst the Bailout Buffet crowd.) What’s more, Ichihashi reckons GM’s collapse would depress “consumer sentiment.” GM’s filed for C11, I’m too bummed to buy a Toyota? Huh. Not mentioned: GM sets the floor for U.S. car prices and quality. If The General takes a powder, Toyota’s prices will fall, profits will sink and quality would have to rise. Honda had nothing to say about yesterday’s bloodletting, but previously, on “who wants to enlarge its U.S. market share,” HoMoCo president Takeo Fukui noted, “[it] has been a rare exception among Japanese auto executives in acknowledging publicly that weaker competition could in the long run present an advantage for Honda.” Ya think?

I’m down with Eddie on this one: how can you tell the difference between April Fool’s Day and the normal cavalcade of pap? The above bon mots arrive courtesy Jim Press, via the Detroit Free Press. The paper reassures its remaining readers with the news (well it’s news to me) that the shockingly bad March sales numbers—down 36.8 percent overall—are actually good. “Industrywide auto sales are usually about 20% higher in March than in February, largely because March is a longer month and people begin to buy more cars as the snow melts and spring arrives. But this year, industry-wide auto sales increased 24.5% from February to March, according to Autodata Corp. of Woodcliff Lake, N.J.” That’s what I call a stretch. Reuters journeys all the way to Italy to find its silver lining, revealing that the government’s market distortion has created a 0.24 percent rise in new car registrations. And The Gray Lady feels compelled to dignify the Chrysler–Fiat link with pre-pack PR. “‘We’re not doing this because we’re good Samaritans,’ Mr. Marchionne told a New York Times reporter in an interview this year.” Sometimes old news is the only good news, I guess.

I know, huh? And there I was thinking that easy credit and bad loans were a main contributory factor to our current economic doldrums (aren’t euphemisms grand?). But after the Fed changed its rules at the eleventh hour (behind closed doors) so that GMAC could avoid bankruptcy and become (of all things) a bank, after Uncle Sam pumped $6B worth of taxpayers’ money into the privately-held company’s coffers ($1B of which went straight to GM), the failed “bank” has reversed its reversal of its lax lending practices and opened the taps. “We want to do our part to support both the U.S. auto industry and individuals in the market for a car or truck,” said GMAC President Bill Muir, in a prepared statement. “GMAC now finances a broad spectrum of auto buyers, similar to traditional levels.”

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Or not. I mean, it’s got to be an April Fool’s joke, right? With Aston Martin desperately seeking suitors, with cars sales in general and luxury car sales in specific in free fall, could there BE a worse time to announce your intention to enter the supercar arena? (And I sincerely hope the answer to that question is no.) And yet Autocar tells us that “McLaren is planning to claw its way back to the very top of the supercar ranks with an extended range of high-performance models, including a hi-tech successor to the legendary F1.” But be very, very quiet; they’re hunting Bugattis. “Details of the plans have been outlined to Autocar by a high-ranking official with intimate knowledge of the company’s secret business plan.” McLaren’s man in the know says that the P11 will be joined by a new F1, called the P1 (of course). And more! “The Woking firm will use its new mid-engined 430 Scuderia and Gallardo LP560-4 rival, the P11, as the springboard for the eventual introduction of a complete range of cutting-edge supercars designed, engineered and produced in the UK.” As JP said, dreamin’ just comes natural, mate.