Cerberus owns Chrysler. OK, perhaps “controls” is a better word. Cerberus bought Chrysler from Daimler by convincing a group of investors that the ailing American automaker was, one way or another, a money spinner. Well, it sure didn’t turn out that way. The U.S. taxpayer is now keeping ChryCo in business. Or not. On Monday, nine days before its next visit to the federal bailout buffet, Chrysler will close its Conner Ave. plant (MI) and “idle” Sterling Heights, MI; Brampton, ON; and Belvidere, IL. “The shutdowns will last for at least a week,” wxyz.com reports. “With the company evaluating whether or not to reopen them on a weekly basis.” Flip a coin? Meanwhile, we, the people footing the bill, don’t know whose investment we’re protecting with our tax dollars. Foreign nationals? Bailout banks? Former government officials? Current government officials? Other, more profitable automakers? I’ve made dozens of phone calls. Nothing. Not a word. So I’ve called Senator Corker’s office for help. Nothing. Not a word. [E-mail here.] Meanwhile, Cerberus may yet be forced into the open, thanks to a new exec pay limitation clause on the next round of bailout bucks (not retroactive for some reason). So, how much does CEO Bob Nardelli make?

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“442,241 vehicles were built last month, compared with 1,170,816 in January 2008. The previous smallest month took place during a UAW strike at Delphi Automotive Systems Corp. in July 1998. That month, North American automakers produced 667,074 vehicles. Total U.S. vehicle output plunged 65.6 percent; Canada fell 58.0 percent; and Mexico shriveled by 49.8 percent.” What else do you need to know?

It’s T minus 11 days before Congress does the thumbs-up thumbs-down thing on the artist formerly known as the world’s largest automaker. GM is up shit creek without a paddle. The United Auto Workers aren’t going to agree to parity with the transplant assembly workers, as required. The bondholders aren’t going to exchange debt for equity, as required. The company doesn’t have a clue what to do about its brands or products, as required. There is no way whatsoever for GM to prove to your elected officials that it has a hope in hell of repaying the $13.4b loans already made—never mind the $100b or so needed to keep the ailing American automaker in business for another year. So GM CEO Rick Wagoner is doing the only thing he knows how to do, that he can do: cutting expenses. This time, it’s white collar workers for one simple reason: that’s all that’s left. Bloomberg tells of the $14m per year CEO’s decision to throw his remaining management to the wolves . . .

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G’day! The Sydney Morning Herald is first up with news that Ford will have to stump-up $4b for a 2008 pension shortfall. “The collapsing stock market left the fund with a $4.1 billion deficit for its projected obligations, after 2007’s $3 billion surplus, Ford said in its fourth-quarter financial results. That may force an infusion of money starting next year, according to the viability plan filed with Congress in December.”

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Car designers are not the best people to choose the most beautiful car in the world (MBCITW). Carmaking is a collaborative art and car designers work within a . . . Wait. Did I say art? Business. Making cars is a business. Anyone who ascends to the pinnacle of a car company’s design department did so as much by their political savvy as their aesthetic sensibilities. As a result, you’d be hard pressed to find a more pretentious group of people. Their every word is weighed, calculated and delivered to strengthen their reputation for intelligence and good taste. So, anyway, I decided to call photographer Michael Furman to get his take on this hot topic. Michael has snapped thousands of cars from every era. “There are plenty of gorgeous women in the world,” Michael opines. “With most of them, the feeling you get when you first see them eventually wanes. Only the most beautiful get more beautiful over time.” The 1938 Bentley Embiricos [above] is Michael’s second choice for MBCITW. His first? The 1938 Alfa Romeo 2900D MM. Which he’s photographing next week, and will share with us soon thereafter. [Question: should we ask other industry types to name their MBCITW and make this into a series?]

There are two main problems with debunking auto-related misconceptions. First, not everyone is ready, willing or able to confront the truth. Second, once you debunk something, it doesn’t stay debunked. TTAC’s Bob Elton dealt with the roof crush standard issue in his editorial “The Counterintuitive Truth About Roof Crush Standards” back in June 2006. He argued that increasing roof strength only increases the number of rollover accidents. Common sense: the higher a vehicle’s center of gravity, the more likely it will roll. Elton also revealed that “In 74% of cases, roof intrusion was not a factor. Rollover accidents are fatal because the occupants are usually ejected, or partially ejected, during the crash.” And that’s because… they’re not wearing their seat-belts. And yet, The Detroit News reports that “The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety [IIHS] said Wednesday it will require automakers to dramatically increase the strength of vehicle roofs to receive its top safety pick ratings.” The road to hell? You don’t know the half of it…

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According to my Bloemfontein rose, the best way to cope with winter driving is stay inside. If it weren’t for the tail-out action afforded by the slippery stuff, I’d agree. Telecommuting, Stop & Shop Peapod, Netflix, Gamefly, school bus—why tempt fate? Throw another log on the fire (yup, they deliver those too), fire up the Mac and kick back. Still, there are millions of motorists who have to brave the elements to make ends meet. And winter driving can be brutal to the point of Fargo-style human popsicles. You’d kinda hope that anyone who lives the requisite 16 years required for a driver’s license whilst living in a cold climate would have a little common sense in this regard. But never underestimate the power of PR people to underestimate the intelligence of the average human being. This time we have Land Rover telling UK motorists how to survive their recent cold snap. After all, “Land Rover has 60 years of driving experience, with a line-up of supremely capable vehicles which boast permanent four-wheel drive and pioneering technology such as Electronic Traction Control, Hill Descent Control (HDC) and Terrain Response – which includes a snow setting utilising the vehicles’ traction aids.” Ready to be surprised? Then stand down, chill out and feel free to add something a little more . . . useful.

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Zees ees ze DS concept, timed to coincide with the last auto show standing in Geneva. (I keed. TTAC will be in The Big Apple in April for the show and a meet.) The nouvelle DS builds on the  aesthetic tradition established by the world’s most beautiful car, the original DS. Son of DS—just when you thought it was safe to worship an icon—relies on the same purity of form, startlingly simply but bold proportions, design originality and lack of affectation the made “Dessie” such a legendary design. And if you believe that, I’ve got a classically sculpted Lexus IS-F to sell you.

If you’re familiar with Delphi—a former GM division with the words “bankrupt since October 10, 2005” over the door—then you’ll know that they’re a not-so-hidden cancer on GM cancerous corpse. Even as The General seeks to survive with a federal IV stuck in its metaphorical artery, it continues to peel off just enough cash—now your cash—to keep the parts maker making parts. For vehicles no one’s buying; but that’s how the industry doesn’t roll these days. So, some bad news from the oracle then. First, GM’s told their pals at the SEC (accounting scandal forgotten) that they’re accelerating a $50m payment to Delphi. [NB: Delphi had asked GM for a $100m hurry-up.] Can you say running on fumes? Delphi can. “The Company believes the amendment and accelerated GM support will enable it to preserve available liquidity given the difficult economic environment, particularly in the global automotive industry,” Delphi said in a filing with their pals over at the federal bankruptcy court. Judge Robert Drain, no less. And the cutbacks keep on happening!

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Saw this ad on TV for the first time whilst fantasizing about a Rachel Maddow vs. Bill O’Reilly death match (rules upon request). The first thing that struck me: the Aptera is the only car in the world with less sideways visibility than the 1938 Bugatti Type 57SC Atlantic Coupe. Second, what is that hulk those guys are washing, and does the man from Griot’s Garage wince every time he sees that paint-scratching action? And lastly, I reckon the Volt has had its day in the sun. It’s not a profound Insight, but by the time Chevy’s not-so-slammed electric/gas hybrid appears, the Volt’s gee whiz factor will have drained off into the gestaltosphere. The Volt will have to compete with real cars in the real world, offering real advantages to real buyers. As you may have noticed, GM isn’t so good at reality. Still, where there’s a will, there’s an Uncle Sugar. The feds are lining up some $10k worth of tax credits for GM’s Hail Mary. Per vehicle. Is it enough? And will the clock run out before The General can even send in the special teams? Your guess is better than theirs.

So it’s the dealers’ fault if Chrysler goes down in flames. Nothing to do with Daimler, who gutted the company like a fish. Or Cerberus, who wanted to gut the company like a fish, but found itself without a fish to gut. Or the company’s current management, who have lied, stonewalled, mislead, cut backroom deals with our elected representatives and generally manipulated honest, taxpaying Americans into supporting their stupid selfish schemes. As Chrysler’s backers, as their only means of survival, let’s think about this. ChryCo dealers are sitting on a 151-day supply of new vehicles (provided new car sales have stabilized). Even if Chrysler dealers didn’t order another car, truck or minivan, they’d have five months’ supply. There’s only one reason for them to take any more vehicles: to help justify the company’s desire to milk/bilk/fleece/con Uncle Sam for more “loans.” And still Cerberus point blank refuses to reveal to us, their supposed paymasters, who owns the company. No matter what you think of a ChryCo Chapter 7 or 11 or car dealers, this is an unseemly, disgusting clusterfuck. Look what they done to my Chrysler, ma.

Classic & Sports Car magazine asked 20 car designers (full list after the jump) to name the most beautiful whip of all time. The winner: the Citroen DS. The Jaguar XK120 takes second place, followed by the Ferrari 275GTB, Cord 810/812, Ferrari 250GT Lusso, Ferrari 250GT Short-wheelbase, Jaguar E-type, Lamborghini Miura, Lotus Elan and Lotus Elite (1957). Caution: the DS’ position at the top of the pile (that doesn’t sound right) makes it the vehicle that most jurors voted most highly—rather than the car that most of them thought was the most beautiful. (Polls are funny that way. And our headline’s entirely misleading, now that I think about it.) Unfortunately, the buff book’s press release doesn’t reveal who voted for what. But the idea that a DS can hold a candle to American automobiles of the Classic Era (e.g. 1931 Duesenberg Model SJ “French Speedster” or 1935 Auburn 851 Speedster) is ludicrous, in a Le Corbusier is my God kinda way.

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