With apologies to Monty Python, I had to blog this story just for the headline. Here’s the deal: North Texas Chevy dealers are inviting Metroplex-area license holders to test drive the new Chevy Traverse in exchange for a free one-hour session at any local Massage Envy clinic. “Who doesn’t need a moment away from the madness of everyday life?” Dallas/Fort Worth regional developer for Massage Envy clinics, Lance O’Pry, asked, more or less rhetorically.  “A Chevy Traverse test drive and a free Massage Envy massage are relaxing breaks in your routine.” Unless that is your routine. Anyway, let’s assume Mr. O’Pry [not shown] is sick of trying to explain the difference between genuine therapeutic massage and equally genuine but not as socially acceptable during symphony intermission schmoozing massage. But if we jettison the distinction, one wonders if there’s a business case to be made here linking extortion and new car sales. Just sayin’.

But it probably should look something like this. Prices are in Australian dollars. For the moment.

Toxicroach will be here any moment to give us his take on the Chrysler C11 case’s “relax don’t do it” anti-auction action. Meanwhile, here’s a quick heads-up [via Bloomberg]: “The group, calling itself Chrysler’s non-TARP lenders, in reference to the Troubled Assets Relief Program, said the proposed sale to an entity to be managed by Fiat is ‘tainted’ because the process was dominated by the U.S. government, according to papers filed today in U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Manhattan. The group also said the short period of time given to evaluate the sale was improper and the hearing set for today on the bid procedures should be delayed.” And so it was. For a day. Meanwhile, the money shot: “The court should not permit a patently illegal sales process to go forward.” As TTAC reported earlier, the kvetching could well be a simple negotiating ploy to force the feds to pay off the non-TARPies, at a higher rate than the big banks (no less).

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Once again, TTAC has received an embargoed press release. Once again, please don’t send us anything you don’t want us to publish before you want us to publish it unless we agree beforehand (which we won’t). An agreement requires two parties. And party they might down at your local Buick dealer’s service department. A Consumer Reports (CR) survey of 349k vehicles (full methodology unavailable upon request) reveals that, “Among the top scoring in dealership maintenance satisfaction were Lexus, Buick, and Acura, with 85, 83 and 82 percent satisfaction rates, respectively. At the other end of the spectrum, Volkswagen, Suzuki, Jeep, and Nissan owners were far less satisfied with dealer service at 67, 69, 70, and 70 percent respectively.” But wait! There’s more! “Despite the turmoil surrounding the American auto industry, six American automakers (Buick, Saturn, Mercury, Cadillac, Lincoln and Oldsmobile) ranked among the top ten in terms of customer satisfaction with dealership maintenance.” Pay no attention to the word “Oldsmobile.” Notice the word maintenance. Not repair.

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When GM banned TTAC from its press cars some thirty-five years ago, I told the local delivery guy not to fret (as if). After GM filed for C11, things would change. The warm winds of glasnost would sweep through the company’s corridors, opening the company’s corporate culture to outside criticism. A new era of openness and honesty would begin. Man did I get the munchies that day. Anyway, we shall see. Meanwhile, with 27 days left to go, TTAC’s not riding phat in no Pontiac and it’s the same old spinmeistery at RenCen. Here’s what I discovered in GM’s increasingly taciturn press site this morning:

DETROIT – General Motors is proceeding to the next step with respect to the sale of Saturn. A number of potential buyers have surfaced and expressed interest in the Saturn brand and retailer network. GM will be reviewing expressions of interest from the potential buyers and will look to secure an agreement with a specific buyer later this year. S.J. Girsky&Co. has been retained by GM as advisor for this transaction. Saturn will continue to keep its retailers updated on its progress throughout this process.

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Automotive News [sub] reports that Ford has decided to shelve plans to introduce a diesel F-150 in 2010. Last spring, Ford demoed dealers with a 4.4-liter oil burning V8 F-150. It boasted an estimated 350 hp and 500 lb·ft of torque—more power and twist than the F-150’s 5.4-liter gasoline V8 while quaffing 20 percent less fuel. And then F-150 sales dried-up and gas prices cratered—especially relative to diesel. “No new date has been scheduled [for the diesel pickup],” Mark Fields, Ford’s president of the Americas, told Automotive News late last month. “We’re still looking at the appropriate time to do that. We’ve put it on the back burner for right now.” According to AN‘s source/speculation, the diesel F-150 has officially been delayed until 2013. “But it will likely be canceled outright unless diesel prices fall substantially below gasoline for a prolonged period.” And then what? You’d think Ford would want a fully developed, tried and tested diesel F-150 in their quiver ahead of any such completely unexpected development. Then again, money’s too tight to mention.

When Dale Lee Underdahl and Timothy Arlen Brunner were both charged with DUI in separate cases in 2006 and 2007, they sought access to the source code for the Intoxilyzer 5000EN. Minnesota state officials resisted the defendants’ requests, claiming the software controlling the device was not relevant and, in any case, it was private information under the sole control of the machine’s manufacturer, CMI Inc. CMI claimed the information was a “trade secret” and refused a district court order to produce the code. This led to the prospect that the charges against Underdahl and Brunner would be dismissed for lack of evidence. So before this could happen, the state asked the court of appeals to strike down both discovery requests. The appeals court agreed with the state. The Minnesota supreme court found fault with the reasoning of the appeals court and split the difference.

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I don’t know what the hell to do. I’ve got an old Lexus SC400 that’s getting a new amp and I’m trying to figure out what adapter out there can make it work. Circuit City is shuttered. I should know that since I got a video camera there for nearly bupkis a few months ago. Other than that, well, I guess I’m kinda screwed. Nobody nearby replaces amps and has that friggin’ adapter. Which reminds me . . .

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In “General Motors Death Watch 251,” I suggested that The Presidential Task Force on Automobiles (PTFOA) terminate GM’s entire management “team” and replace them with fresh talent. Easier said than done. The number of people qualified to run a car company may stretch to a couple of dozen. But it may not. The number of executives who’d want to run GM—or Chrysler or GMAC—is some fraction of that number. Finding board members for these federally administered companies will easier, but not easy.  As The Wall Street Journal‘s pet expert points out, “Executives and directors at these companies will have to balance obligations to taxpayers and other shareholders, all the while under close scrutiny by Congress and the media. Directors ‘are in an impossible position,’ said Charles Elson, head of the Weinberg Center for Corporate Governance at the University of Delaware’s business school. ‘No one who has much sense will want to put themselves in that position.'” Oh, and did we mention? Your salary would be capped. Can’t upset the voters. Evil bankers and all that. Still, that’s why recruiters SpencerStuart and Ennis Knupp & Associates get the big bucks, courtesy of you-know-who (hint: you).

Let’s see what comments this one gets: Seven Japanese companies have applied for the US government’s relief program for auto parts and materials suppliers of GM and Chrysler, the Nikkei [sub] says.

The program earmarked $5 billion in public funds to make suppliers whole who are owed money by the two artists.
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Seems like our old pal Jerry York is back in play. You may remember Mr. York as the turnaround expert, ex-ChryCo exec, rep for aspiring GM owner Kirk “The Lion of Las Vegas” Kerorian and former activist member of GM’s Board of Directors. It’s the penultimate of these which applies here: Captain Kirk’s main man tried to broker a deal between GM and Renault back in the summer of ’06. The merger fell afoul of then-GM CEO “Red Ink” Rick Wagoner, who’s now shivering in hell (albeit without any financial worries). Our sources tell us that Nissan wants to be GM’s Fiat. In other words, it’s looking for the US government to give it a controlling share in GM for no-money-down, putting Carlos “I told you so” Ghosn at the head of the unencumbered GM. I mean GNR (GM – Nissan  – Renault). This one makes a lot of sense. Uncle Sam doesn’t [really] want to run GM, and the Fiat deal will [they hope] provide a template for the GM – Nissan thingie. And, lest we forget, the maxim “everything either grows or dies” applies to both GM and Nissan. Hyundai-Kia just passed Nissan for sixth place in the US new car market.

Nikkei [sub] brings the cheery weekend news that Japanese new car sales are at their lowest level in the last 41 years of recorded history. Nipponese bought only 284,035 units in April, a drop of 23 percent on the year. Last month, the Japanese government launched tax breaks for fuel-efficient cars, but they kept consumers unimpressed and clutched to their wallets. Even sales of minivehicles, which had been strong for a while, got more diminutive. The Japan Mini Vehicles Association says they sold 117,670 units, down 13.4 percent. Demand for midgetmobiles has suffered double-digit contractions for two straight months, dwindling to an 11-year low. Scratch that as a savior. Got the stomach for details?

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And another thing. In this internet world of ours, what media outlet would announced the findings of a controversial report without linking to the damn thing? The BBC, for one. “The city’s air quality is well below EU targets and is having a ‘severe impact’ on the NHS, the London Assembly’s Environment Committee said. The research also found that emissions from diesel vehicles remains the main source of pollution. It urged the mayor to take more ‘bold action’ on the issue.” Why is it that whenever a political quango (or the media) calls for “bold action” I want to run the other way? Turns out the headline figure comes from here: “Government estimates suggest that air pollution contributes to around 1,000 premature deaths in London each year, but recent data from the European Environment Agency suggests that this could be closer to 3,000. However, both of these figures are estimations for London, based on calculations from UK figures, since the Committee is not aware of accurate, empirical data for London.” More specifically, here: “recent report from the European Environment Agency indicates that air pollution contributed to 650 deaths per million people in the UK in 2005. This could indicate up to 3,000 deaths for London based on its population.” Science much? Anyway, public transportation (i.e., busses) kills. Who knew?

More documents were filed in the Chrysler bankruptcy case. TTAC ace commentator and bankruptcy briefer, Toxicroach, gives us the 411 on the latest C11 maneuvers:

“Only four events today as of 5 p.m., only one of value. Either I misread prior docket entries or the 5/1/09 hearing was just to set a date for the real hearing, but the hearing on the emergency motions (first day motions is what they have been calling them) will be 5/4/09 at 10 a.m. I imagine it will be a zoo in Courtroom 523 this Monday. Still no bankruptcy ‘fast track’ 363 motion.

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