If you want a preview of how your elected representatives are going to approach the $50b Detroit bailout (a.k.a. “Retooling for Tools”), you could do worse than read this Washington Post diatribe by economist Steven Pearlstein.  “The Road to a Bailout They Don’t Deserve” begins by giving The Big 2.8 a right royal pasting. “Even before top industry executives arrive in Washington later this month to lobby for their program, General Motors’ vice chairman, Robert Lutz, who never misses an opportunity to put his foot in his mouth, was telling reporters in Chicago last week that the industry ‘deserves’ government loans because of all the challenges that have been inflicted upon it. In fact, it’s hard to imagine an industry less deserving of government help.” Other barrel: “Here are three companies that for decades failed to produce cars that were well designed, well produced and exciting to look at, that fought tooth and nail against efforts to require greater fuel efficiency and, until recently, did too little to bring wages, benefits and retiree costs in line with competitive realities. And while they whined for years that it was unfair trade that put them at a disadvantage, Toyota, Honda, BMW and other foreign transplants came along to prove that it is possible to produce quality cars at affordable prices in U.S. factories while offering decent wages and benefits.” And just when you think Pearlstein’s going to lower the boom, he says giving Detroit the money is “probably the wise thing to do.” Probably? How great is that?

Surprise! As in none. In an article that sets new standards for brevity, Automotive News [AN, sub] reports that General Motors is extending its Employee Discount for Everyone (except GM employees) sale through September. The Wall Street Journal reports that the discounts now cover 80 percent of GM’s ’09 models. And if that isn’t a sign of desperate times– and it surely is– GM is luring existing leaseholders with “Targeted Lease Bonus Cash.” If they come out of their lease before January third (and not a day later), they get money to use towards a purchase or lease on a number of new (’09) GM vehicles. The ’09s included in the deal: Trailblazer ($6k), Tahoe and Tahoe Hybrid ($4k); Silverado/Avalance and Express ($3k); and Impala ($500). The bonus cash has dropped from $2k to $1k for the Corvette, Colorado, HHR, Aveo and C4500. Oh, and the $1k bonus bucks now applies to the Malibu four-cylinder and NOT the six (as before). Another, even bigger change: the bonus cash can be applied to a lease from ANY financial institution (not just GMAC). On the regular rebate side of things, the cash on the hood for the Enclave and Acadia has sunk from $1500 to $1000.  Oh, and GM workers hoping to cash-in on their $500 Farm Bureau Insurance discount are shit out of luck. The discount now only applies to non-GM employees.

I'm keenly aware that some readers believe that I'm a spinmeister's evil twin, viewing all stories involving The General through a Death Watch prism. But I know it's possible to read this story from Automotive News [AN, sub]– detailing a shift in GM's design responsibilities from the rest of the world to Motown– as a sign that the artist formerly known as the world's largest automaker is finally rationalizing its sprawling, overlapping, inefficient infrastructure. At first, it seems that way. "We have had a couple studios where some projects have been canceled," Ed Welburn, GM's design vice president, told AN. "We have other studios that are totally overloaded. We just need to level that work around the globe." But then… GM's small-car programs are based at the Adam Opel R&D center in Germany and GM Daewoo Auto & Technology Co. in Korea. With the change, vehicles for Daewoo, Holden, Opel or Vauxhall may be styled in Michigan. So what the Hell happened to GM's "regional centers of excellence" idea? 

Although fans of Six Feet Under might disagree with that statement, much of the series-inspired chuckles were of the "laughing at" rather than "laughing with" variety. And it was a TV show. Back here in the real world, where the only thing that's certain is death and an endless stream of automotive press releases desperate for a news hook, we learn that Ewan Scott, UK spinmeister for Aardvark Associates, brings a bit of personality to the job of promoting… death. "Dealing with bereaved families requires compassion, empathy and a sense of dignity. So, funeral directors planning on making an attempt on a Guinness World Record might appear to be a bit of a stretch, you might think. However, that is just what the British Institute of Funeral Directors (BIFD) aim to do at their annual conference at the Croydon Hilton on the 24 – 26th October this year." That's when the organization will stage the world's largest funeral hearse parade (cortege?). "The BIFD wants to open up the profession and its suppliers to their market to make the whole process less intimidating," Prez Adrian Pink reveals. "The hearse cavalcade is an event that puts us in the public eye, it lets the public and the funeral directors see the range of vehicles available from the carriage masters. A visit to the conference’s exhibition allows the public to see the wide range of options available to them, without being under the immediate stress of a bereavement." Unless, of course, they are.

The Newspaper reports that the California state legislature has blessed AB3021, a measure that will expand toll roads throughout the Golden State. The CA trip A ain't too pleased with the provisions contained therein. "We support the use of tolls as one option to pay for new infrastructure; however, because the very broad toll authority proposed in this bill is not limited to new construction and because revenue from the tolls could be used for a wide array of transportation and related efforts (well beyond the roads, streets, and highways used by toll payers), we must oppose the bill. Those goals should not inappropriately be placed on the shoulders of motorists by allowing the widespread tolling of facilities already paid for by existing taxes without clear and direct benefits for the toll payers." In other words, the cash cows will graze freely while providing precious little milk for the motorists paying through the nose for the farmers' livelihoods. Or something like that. 

Our friends over at Autobloggreen fall straight into the Boston Police Department's PR trap: "Boston taxi fleet to be hybrid by 2015." While it is certainly true that the taxi licensing department is following New York City and San Francisco's example in requiring its cabs to go gas – electric, the more important news (at least to Bostonians) is reported by The Globe: "A Boston taxi trip will now cost $5 for the first mile and $2.80 a mile after that, up from $2.40 – one of the highest rates in the nation." Yikes! If you're a reasonable tipper, that works out to about $20 for a five mile trip. (Hey, the Steel Workers' unionized cabbies wanted $3 a mile.) No wonder the cab companies aren't screaming blue murder about the required changeover. How the drivers will take to the no-cell phone yakking (except for taxi biz and emergencies) rule is a whole 'nother story. In fact, I had the Commissioner himself in the back of my cab the other day…

As TTAC mentioned previously, the imperfect storm known as Hurricane Gustav is about to add to the perfect storm known as Detroit's annus horribilis. (O.K., Motown's blues have been at least three decades and 194 General Motors Death Watches in the making. But literary needs must.) The Detroit Free Press reports that the Cat 2 hurricane busy ravaging the Louisiana coastline will temporarily stifle a big ass chunk of America's oil supply. "Altogether, about 2.4 million barrels of refining capacity have been halted, roughly 15 percent of the nation’s total, according to figures from Platts, the energy information arm of McGraw-Hill Cos. The U.S. Gulf Coast is home to nearly half the nation’s refining capacity." Even if the oil industry can restart production more quickly than it did post-Katrina, pump prices are bound to be singing along with the Yaz. "As of midday Sunday, about 96 percent of the Gulf’s oil production and 82 percent of its natural gas output had been shut down, according to the U.S. Minerals Management Service, which oversees offshore activity." The Freep predicts a twenty cent– or higher– gas price spike.

For some reason, Automotive News [AN, sub] felt compelled to write an op ed on Detroit's desire to hoover-up $50b in low-interest federal loans. As you might expect, the automotive news org of record is highly conflicted. So much so, the piece descends into double negativity by the second sentence. "Much of the political buzz about the federal government providing as much as $50 billion in low-cost loans to the auto industry can be chalked up to election-year ebullience. That doesn't mean it won't happen. But before automakers and suppliers cash any checks, there must be a better understanding of the process and any strings that might be attached." Ya think? Anyway, get this: AN supports the loans as long as Honda and Toyota are included– even though "it's hard to imagine that Honda or Toyota would borrow money from the U.S. government." But if the feds don't make an offer the transplants will refuse, "the loans would be nothing more than a Detroit 3 bailout. That would be a questionable use of tax dollars, even in an election year."  

This email was sent to us by a Ford employee, who wishes to remain anonymous: "Ford is a great place to work because of the people and resources. You won't find a more technically competent, innovative, and well-equipped organization. Unfortunately, the public won't see the majority of our work because of the poor management and product planning we're all so accustomed to. I know from my former job at a supplier that GM and Chrysler are no different: limitless engineering capability held back by cost-cutting and incompetent management. I think Detroit's best bet is a mutiny of the engineers and designers. We'd storm the Glass House (RenCen, CTC), tie-up the suits, and start doing what we do best: cranking out awesome cars that the public wants." [TTAC is happy to provide space for any official Ford rep rebuttal.]

According to Automotive News [AN, sub], Motown's plans to suck $50b from the public purse to retrofit 20-year-old plants to build fuel-efficient cars are "being overtaken by events." Which is, I suppose, cheerleader speak for "Detroit's automakers have screwed themselves so badly through their own incompetence that they're in danger of going belly-up before the presidential election." AN reached this conclusion thanks to the increasingly hysterical rantings of Senator Debbie Stabenow. "We need to do something now," the Michigan democrat insisted, after a "conversation with Ford Motor Co. executives at a convention breakfast." Meanwhile, even AN is willing to admit that that "something" is a bailout by any other name. "With falling vehicle sales and deteriorating credit markets, the program has become a potential financial lifeline for some automakers and suppliers." Need I mention any names? 

I know: some of our Best and Brightest think we lower our editorial tone and surrender the moral highground when we point out the deficiencies of other automotive websites. (While others like a good cat fight.) Well, in this case, Hemmings Auto Blogs (notice the spacing) gives us a backhanded hat tip. "As much as I’m not a fan of of AOL and its online empire, and as much grief that TTAC gives the site, I still read Autoblog daily for my dose of new car news, and anytime Autoblog links to one of our posts – as they did the other day when they were equally as puzzled by the shorty Voyager as we – we still get a ton of traffic." And it is the latter fact that makes all the difference. But don't take my word for it. "Want to get your site mentioned in the Saturday shoutout? Have you not been paying attention? It’s simple: Link to us, send us lots of traffic, and we link to you." As Dinu01 said (and thanks for the link), "I understand the concept of supporting other bloggers, but this feels dirty for some reason." [NB: TTAC does not base its blog roll on traffic, or sell space on same. We only recommend sites we deem worthy of your time.]

Money. The Georgia-based 14-store Bill Heard franchise has generated massive volume despite– or because of– an entire range of deceptive practices. As Automotive News [sub] reports, "With group revenues of $2.13 billion in 2007, Bill Heard Enterprises, of Columbus, Ga., ranks No. 13 on Automotive News' list of the top 125 U.S. dealership groups based on new retail units sold." Yes, well, "Heard's Town Center dealership in Kennesaw, Ga., lied to third-party lenders about customers' incomes to increase the likelihood that the vehicles would be financed. Bill Heard's flagship Chevrolet store in Columbus, Ga., forged consumers' signatures on agreements without their knowledge or permission. Town Center inflated the loaned value of vehicles by telling third-party lenders the vehicles carried extra features and options that they did not — an illegal practice known as "power booking." In September 2007, Heard subsidiary Tom Jumper Chevrolet sent a direct mail advertisement informing recipients they might receive financing at interest rates as low as 3.9 percent. The ad went only to people with low credit scores who were unlikely to qualify for such terms." Not to mention a fake recall notice and all the other "normal" shady sales techniques. While these and other matters work their way through the courts, it seems Billy Boy's screwed GMAC one too many times. GM's captive lender has pulled the plug on Heard's biz. How long before the class action consumer lawyers come knocking on GM's door, wanting to know what The General knew about "Mr. Volume" and when they knew it.  

I debated posting this blog [via The Daily Breeze] in our E85 Boondoggle of the Day category. Who knows if BlueFire Ethanol's concentrated acid hydrolysis waste-to-ethanol technology will create commercially-viable E85 fuel near a garbage dump in Lancaster, CA? (Define "commercially viable.") The company certainly thinks so; BlueFire plans to build 20 cellulose-to-ethanol plants in the next eight years generating over $2b in revenues by 2013 with pre-tax income of over $1.2b. Good luck with that. (Really.) Ultimately, the fact that BlueFire sucked $40m bucks from the U.S. Department of Energy for a cellulosic waste processing plant in Corona tipped the balance. Debate that editorial choice if you must, remembering that I believe that anything ethanol-oriented that isn't corn-for-fuel is better than anything that is. Meanwhile, BlueFire's process uses flash fermentation, membrane distillation and chromatographic separation of the acid from the sugars. TTAC's Best and Brightest can read and analyze (please) BlueFire's boffinology here, as the company's website is non-functional. (Not the best of portents, but there you go.) TTAC is investigating taxpayer "contributions" to BlueFire's Lancaster site.