Now that GM's staring down the barrel of bankruptcy, the artist formerly known as the world’s largest automaker has launched a fresh offensive. Not a product offensive, of course. That would have required forward planning. We’re talking about a PR offensive. Hope for the hopeless. Alternatively, weasel words for the unwary. Here’s the headline, courtesy of unnamed sources, via the Wall Street Journal: a return to profitability by 2010. And here’s the kicker: the target date is “unofficial.” Does it get any more fantastic than that? Yes, it does.

I'm beginning to lose track of manufacturers' excuses for slumping car sales: Japanese currency manipulation, the "perception gap," diminished fleet sales, poor housing market, the credit crisis, gas prices, etc. Here's the latest, courtesy of USA Today. "June sales were constrained because few automakers had enough cars that shoppers really want: well-appointed but with gas-sipping engines. 'I'm sure we're missing some business because we don't have exactly the configuration the consumer is looking for and adequate stock to satisfy' the demand, says Jim Lentz, president of Toyota Motor Sales." While the explanation makes some sense for ToMoCo, who couldn't build the Prius fast enough for demand, are we seriously meant to believe that Ford would have sold lots more Fusions if the base model had more features? Yup. "'A lot of it had to do with price points,' says Eric Peterson, communications manager for Ford Motor's crossovers. Buyers who spent more wanted more power. 'Now, there's more of a shift in consumer mind-set that we're reacting to… Consumers are saying, 'I want fuel efficiency, and I want all these options as well.'" So where's the statistical evidence for this theory? You know; some data showing that highly-optioned four-cylinder models are gaining popularity? *crickets chirping* Facts. Who needs 'em?

Last week, we remarked that the Motown media had finally put down the pom-poms. The Detroit Free Press' Mark Phelan seems determined to prove us wrong. First, the scribe offered us a rah-rah-siss-boom-bah on the plug-in electric gas hybrid Chevrolet Volt. To which Phelan adds a who-do-we-appreciate? look at The Big 2.8's "race to build fun, fuel-frugal cars." Yes, "They are honing new technologies, refining designs and scouring the Earth for fun, fuel-efficient cars they can build or sell in North America. From Chevrolet Corvettes and Ford F-150s to small cars engineered in Europe and Asia, every vehicle is being rethought as fuel prices skyrocket and new fuel-economy rules loom." That's all well and good if this was 2003ish. But it isn't. GM's market share is below 20 percent, Ford's racing against "last orders" and no matter how you measure it, Chrysler is in the toilet. Meanwhile, the transplants are eating Detroit's lunch. Never mind. Phelan reckons it's a "level playing field," now. "Unlike the 1980s, when small Japanese cars started the race a full lap ahead of the Detroit Three, the new technical challenges are equally daunting for everyone. 'They've all been dealt the same hand this time,' said Michelle Krebs, editor of AutoObserver.com. 'Now it's a matter of how they play it.'" Huh? "Vast and slow improvements in the cars the domestics build haven't been enough to change that perception. The massive, fast changes every automaker must make in the next few years could be their last chance to hit the reset button on how the American public sees them." Or not.

Calling John McElroy a Detroit cheerleader is like calling Bruce Dern's character in Black Sunday a party pooper. That said, the journalist is not without his fans, nor a platform. Big Mac writes a weekly column for Autoblog, and regularly lobs underhand pitches at Motown royalty on his Autoline Detroit TV program. So why did Detroit Freep Press scribe Mark Phelan devote precious ink to McElroy's fantasy of reviving GM's battery-powered EV-1? I thought GM Car Czar Maximum Bob Lutz put that the idea to bed on June 30, when he called the concept "fucking nuts" [paraphrasing]. "Things have changed," McElroy tells an entirely credulous Phelan. "At $4 a gallon, it's a completely different market. People would beat a path to GM's door." Yes, "The automaker should dust off the blueprints, stick an assembly line in some underutilized assembly plant — no shortage of those — and hire somebody to take orders." Corroboration comes from no less than the director of "Who Killed the Electric Car?" Phelan knocks down the idea– gently. "The Volt will have a small electric generator to recharge its battery if needed, but the underlying technology GM developed for the car also lends itself to all-electric vehicles. Some of those 'EV2s' are already under discussion. As GM contends, the EV1 may not come back, but its children will flourish." Go team go!

The New York Times Sunday magazine offers a profile of conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh. In the main, Zev Chofet's article is about as predictable (and informative) as dittoheads' view on "Club Gitmo's" detainees' habeas corpus rights. Call me an unreconstructed Robin Leach fan, but I found Limbaugh's lifestyle more interesting than his politics. On page two of the online version (you're welcome) we learn that El Rushbo drives a "fully-loaded" $450k Maybach 57S (he paid retail?). In fact, the $400m man garages a "half a dozen similar rides on his estate." Quick name six Maybach equivalents. And while you're at it, how many of them have 25-gallon plus gas tanks? 'Cause that would put the cost of a fill-up Rush's rides over the "magic" $100 mark. And that, according to the same august publication, is a significant "financial milestone" (millstone?). Scribe Christopher Maag uses the C-note-plus fill-up to explore its impact on single-make clubs dedicated to gas hogs. Needless to say, they're having to throttle back. Yes, "for people who love their big vehicles, the pain is acute." More for some than for others. You?

And BOY did they sneeze. Sales of the light trucks made at Nissan's Canton, Mississippi plant (Titan pickup, Armada/Infiniti QX56 SUV, Quest minivan) have cratered. The Clarion Ledger reports that a switch to Altima production has saved jobs at the five-year-old facility. But local suppliers geared-up for trucks have been hit hard; more than 200 workers have lost their jobs. MINACT/Yates Logistics laid off at least 64 workers, including supervisor Glenn Roberts. A struggling Roberts has "resurrected his resume and applied to dozens of jobs. He parked his gas-thirsty Tahoe and shares his wife's car. He's known by his first name at the WIN Jobs Center, where he goes twice a week for four or five hours at a pop." PK U.S.A. "downsized" Dave Taylor, who can't afford to keep his house– or sell it. Tower Automotive dismissed assembly line worker Carlos Johnson. "I pay $100 a week for day care. I've got my house note at $500 a month, car note at $350 a month, and insurance is $150. Bills can't care less whether you have a job or not; they're going to be rolling in. Unemployment is what, $215 or $230 a month, that's not enough to live on. It's enough to pay for your gas so you can go around and find another job."

In an interview with German mag Welt am Sonntag, Ferrari's President has vowed to reduce the automaker's greenhouse gas emissions by nearly half. [In case you're wondering "who asked?" Ferrari faces the same stringent new European C02 regs as all the other camakers.] What's more, Ferrari's going to build a hybrid-powered supercar. "We are currently working on the development of a Ferrari that will use alternative energy sources," Luca Cordero di Montezemolo said with characteristic aristocratic reserve [guessing]. According to The Sydney Morning Herald, Luca also "insisted that any future hybrid Ferrari would still be 'fundamentally a Ferrari.'" And somewhat of a FIAT? No! The hybrid "will be based on what we are doing at the moment in Formula 1." The Herald reckons LCDM was referring to Ferrari's Kinetic Energy Recycling System (KERS), designed to draw extra power from the brakes (as opposed to the habit of flying around the world in private jets burning hundreds of thousands of liters of avgas). When asked if Ferraristi would look kindly on a hybrid supercar (i.e. pay through the nose to own one), di Montezemolo had no doubts (as if). "Yes, of course," he said. "It's the best sports car in the world." Anyone know the Italian word for chutzpah?

Not that I like to toot my own horn (it's so much more pleasurable when Sam leans over and toots it for me), but I believe I've made some solid contributions to the pistonhead gestalt. There is this website, of course. And I'm the guy who gave GM Car Czar his "Maximum Bob" moniker. I also invented Jalopnik's car review format and their fantasy garage feature– which died when Jalopnik's affable Managing Editor Ray Wert and our rhino-skinned Jonnny Lieberman (inventor of the QOTD) parted company. While I don't fancy re-animating the Garage just yet, Jay's post on the Audi R8 got me thinking. If I had a spare ten million of so, what keys would hang in my lockbox? One thing's for sure: there wouldn't be many of them. I've learned the wisdom of the old Zen expression "That which you own owns you." So I'd stick with my Honda Minivan, get RUF to breathe on the Boxster S and stash a Ford GT somewhere safe. Done. You?

Who knew we'd break Tesla Death Watch double digits in the space of a few minutes? Still, ours is not to question why. Oh wait; it is. So why did California give Tesla Motors a tax break for production of their "Model S" lithium-ion-powered (or part lithium-ion powered) Model S sedan? The churlish amongst you might suggest it has something to do with Tesla customer and California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's place on the Roadster's waiting list. Small business owners in The Golden State have another perspective. KCBS reports that "Dr. T.J. Rogers, CEO of Cypress and chairman of Sunpower, moved his wafer manufacturing from California to Texas and Minnesota to reduce costs. He said he is outraged that the state would not offer the same type of deal [seven to nine percent off tax on equipment purchases] for small businesses like his. 'I can’t afford to run a plant here [in California] because every time I put in a new piece of equipment and try to upgrade the plant I have to pay an extra six percent on top of what the equipment costs.'" Democratic CA State Treasurer Bill Lockyer gets it. "When does [a tax subsidy] become just a gift for behavior that would have happened anyhow, or does it really bring a business to California or have it really expand?” Of course, this is an entirely theoretical discussion…

The mainstream media jumped all over the story that the Tesla Roadster had "begun full production" on March 17 (of this year), And then… nothing. How long will deposit-paying customers wait for their $98k– sorry, $109k lithium-ion-powered carbon fiber-skinned and modified Lotus Elise? Tesla must be wondering the same thing. The Stamford Advocate reports that the Silicon Valley start-up has taken their Roadster on the road, calming customers' impatience with 20-minute demo drives. Potential Tesla owner and "media company executive" Gary Patrick was realistic about the car's core appeal: ""You can still feel like you're fulfilling your green responsibility and reducing your carbon footprint with a car like this." We also learn that Tesla's national sales manager reckons her customers could, in theory, recharge their Roadster using "smaller, 110-volt sockets used for a living room lamp or television set." Only "charging that way could take as long as 30 hours, compared with eight hours on a larger circuit." Hang-on; setting aside the fact that no one has confirmed ANY recharge time, what happened to the highly-touted three-hour recharge cycle? Same thing that happened to the Roadster's 250-mile range. Or the idea of selling the Roadster as a "true" sports car. "For now," Allen prevaricated, "Tesla plans to sell its luxury products largely on the appeal of its eco-friendliness." Plans to sell, as opposed to selling, 'cause selling implies delivery, of course.  

Last things first. The Detroit Free Press article on the prospects [eventually] greeting Ford's delayed next generation F-150 ends with a sobering analysis. It arrives courtesy of CNW Marketing Research in Bandon, Ore. "The appearance buyer is totally out of the market," Art Spinella asserts. "He's gone." According to Spinella's template, that leaves farmers and ranchers; towers or people who pull recreational vehicles or boats and fleet customers. Uh-oh, what happened to building contractors? They may not be on Art's radar– given the housing slump, why would they be?– but Ford's still got them in its sights. "Instead of launching the all-new 2009 F-150 with luxurious four-door models, Ford instead will spotlight the two-door models that always have been more popular among contractors, farmers and fleet customers." With full-size pickup sales off 21.1 percent so far this year, Ford F-150 sales down 40.5 percent in June, gas prices staying high and the fact that F-Series accounts for one-fourth of FoMoCo's total sales, the new F-150 is fighting some big ass headwinds. But hey, at least it will do so with a six-speed gearbox and 1.5mpg better fuel economy than its predecessor.  

Give all the hype surrounding Chevrolet's forthcoming plug-in electric – gas Volt, I guess we've got to call the Chevrolet Beat GM's mini-Hail Mary. Or is that MINI Hail Mary? Actually, let's stick with the small "m." Lest we forget, the Beat is/would be no less a Daewoo than the South Korean-built Aveo. Regardless, GM's Car Czar Maximum Bob himself is floating the micro-car-shaped trial balloon to The Wall Street Journal, as above. Freelancing Detroit News scribe Sharon Terlep's lead makes it clear that obfuscation is the order of the day. "General Motors said it is giving a higher priority to deciding whether it will bring the next-generation Chevrolet Beat mini car — a vehicle it sells overseas — to the U.S. market in the 2012 timeframe." [Note: higher. Not highest.] Meanwhile, Ford is making a similar move. I mean, mulling. "Ford Motor Co. said Thursday it has no plans on the table to bring its micro-sized Ka mini car to the U.S., but it is monitoring the success that Smart is having. 'We have small cars on the shelf all around the world,' Ford spokesman Jay Ward said. 'If at some point we decide to bring [the Ka] over here, we would be in a position to do so.'" Sensible caution or institutional paralysis? We report, you deride.

Doth Chrysler President and Vice Chairman Tom LaSorda protest a possible C11 filing too much? You be the judge. Meanwhile, step forward JPMorgan auto analyst Himanshu Patel. And man did that dude set the Wall Street cat amongst the Detroit pigeons this week, most notably flagging GM's "not impossible" bankruptcy. Now that the dust has settled (i.e. GM's stock found a level below the basement) the AP is highlighting Patel's assertion that Chrysler is in worse shape than GM, or Ford. "Patel estimated the automaker will burn through $4 billion this year and could be forced to file for bankruptcy protection or sell off parts of its business in the second half of 2009 if industry conditions don't improve. Patel said it's difficult to predict the most likely outcome for Chrysler, but he said South Korean or Chinese automakers covet Chrysler's U.S. distribution network. A bankruptcy filing could be a hit to Cerberus, which invested $6.1 billion in Chrysler as part of its acquisition and also backed a $500 million line of credit that Chrysler tapped last month." [FYI: The steelworkers union was no big fan's of Patel's.] 

Most Americans take their freedoms for granted. Thank God and our soldiers they can. But there is at least one generally recognized icon of our citizens' liberty: the automobile. Ever since the Model T, the fact that car ownership was within reach of the "common man" has been a point of national pride. A big, fancy car/pickup/SUV is still seen as a potent symbol of success. Europeans have long derided America's "love affair" with the automobile as a selfish extravagance. With global warming joining terrorism (and replacing nuclear war) as America's insidious unseen enemy, with gas over $4 a gallon, the average U.S. citizen may be more inclined to agree now than at any time in the last 100 years. Or are they? Has the recent pain at the pump really taken the bloom off the four-wheeled rose? Does the fact that fewer teens are getting their license indicate financial/legal necessity or the iCarly non-future of passionate personal transportation? Personally, I think we're simply exchanging one automotive lover for another. You?

Truck-heavy Detroit is in a world of hurt. Buyers have abandoned their former cash cow; light truck sales dropped 28.4 percent last month. July's numbers will be worse. August's worserer. And speaking of what's-blacker-than-black, even the remaining formerly bounteous bovines are looking distinctly Mary-Kate and Ashley. The Detroit Free Press takes a break from their barbecue to bring news that the genre's profits have dropped by half. Or more. "Many of the nation's automakers [read: all of the nation's automakers] have been jacking up the deals into territories not seen since the summer 'employee pricing' craze of 2005. Last month, automakers offered an average of $6,580 off pickups and $5,850 off midsize SUVs, according to Autodata Corp. of Woodcliff Lake, N.J., a private firm that estimates incentive spending. Automakers do not report that number publicly." Why would they? Six-plus-grand is the average. Of course, there will be a reckoning. Brian Johnson, an analyst with Lehman Brothers: "We believe that GM and the industry will see a large payback in the coming months." Ya think?