Automotive News [AN, sub] is running a pro-GM byline-less piece under the heading "Running the Numbers." "Hummer, Saab: GM's conquistadors" argues that Hummer and Saab's sales may suck and the brands may be sickly, but they're worth keeping in GM's bloated portfolio because they attract non-GM buyers. The numbers certainly run in the right direction– some 61 percent and 50 percent of Hummer and Saab sales (respectively) involved a non-GM trade-in. But there's no evidence that this "new" loyalty will continue or trickle over to other GM brands. And no matter how you slice the badge-engineered Saab and Hummer pies, there's not enough of it to justify the struggling brands' ongoing drain on the company's rapidly diminishing resources. IMHO. 

As Gil Grissom might say, the evidence is incomplete. But Automotive News [AN, sub] is confirming what TTAC and TrueDelta have been saying since the dawn of time: car dealers are rigging customer satisfaction scores. In this case, it's not the usual "please give us all 10 out of tens or we'll have to shoot our sales manager and orphan his children" type fraud. AN reports that an unnamed number of GM dealers have been sending the mothership fake CSI mail-in forms and filing bogus on-line survey responses to scarf hundreds of thousands of dollars in corporate bonuses. GM sent an "unsigned bulletin" to dealers on August 14 announcing "appropriate adjustments" to third-quarter survey scores "to reflect interference." Needless to say, GM claims the fraud isn't widespread. Just obvious. Let the wrist-slapping begin!

Speaking to Handelsblatt magazine (via Forbes), Porsche's CEO set the stage for his company's on-again/off-again VW takeover. Wendelin Wiedeking claimed the fiercely independent sports car maker's products can't meet the EU's proposed 2012 carbon dioxide emissions regulations. While Wiedeking did include the qualifier "in their current form," he clearly stated that Stuttgart's finest couldn't satisfy Brussels regulators. "Realistically, emissions requirements can only be graded by vehicle segment. A common limit for everyone is a business generation plan for compact car makers." Which is what Porsche would be if when it assumes control of VW. Which Wiedeking will address no sooner that November, or whenever the European Court of Justice gets around to strking down the "VW law" that prohibits a change of controlling ownership. Hmmm. Sounds like a lock to us. Still…

The New York Times reports on freshly-minted Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli's "coming out" (their words, I swear). Speaking at last Friday's Associated Press "Scribes who Lunch" affair, Nardelli tucked-in behind the other auto execs bemoaning America's cratering housing market as the bus they DO see coming. As for the one they don't, Boot'em Bob revealed that Chrysler's new board will meet in October to revise the revised turnaround plan authored by the recently demoted Tom "Jump!" LaSorda. Unlike GM's CEO Rick Wagoner's "we'll get there when we get there" timeline, Nardelli said Chrysler will be back in black in three years. As for new product, Nardelli says gimme ten. Meanwhile, for those who suspect that Chrysler owner Cerberus secretly wants to cash-out next Tuesday, Nardelli admitted their might be a little stripping– if no immediate flipping. Boot'em Bob "did not give any specifics about what might be sold but said, 'There is quite a long list.'"

Jim Miller over at The Flint Journal wants to dispel all those safety concerns surrounding hydrogen fuel cells. No, not the worry that your car will Hindenberg or that your hands will freeze and shatter into a million pieces during refueling. He's talking about giant vapor clouds over big cities and/or dripping water causing roads to freeze in winter. After dispelling these not-so-common misconceptions, Miller shows his inner Andy Rooney: "For every alternative fuel proposed, there are people looking for problems." (Hey that's us!) "Ethanol? It'll lead to higher food prices, and delivery is a problem. It takes a lot of fuel to produce it. Hydrogen? It costs money to produce, and there's no delivery system. Electricity? Batteries are expensive, recycling them is a problem, and most electrics have a short range. Enough already." Actually, not. Miller rags on gasoline ("Those supertankers aren't solar-powered") and finishes by chiding petrochemical recidivists. "Just remember, using oil is not the perfect answer either." True dat.

"I just got a new wing mirror for my Skoda." "Sounds like a fair trade." And it's true: I remembered the joke; I didn't surf the web for it. Although these days, one wonders why you'd want to remember anything. Everything's on the web. OK, a lot of the information is inaccurate; as our resident rivet counters remind me whenever car info gleaned from the meta minds at Wikipedia proves to be erroneous. But it is a brave new world, where you can find facts (and pseudo-facts) on the most obscure aspects of motoring with just a few taps on the old plastic keys. Although Toyota's hired a guy to scan the blogs, I'm sure the big bosses throughout autodom don't get it. Their egos are too fragile to answer a question "I have no friggin' idea. Let's Google it." Why else would GM Car Czar Bob Lutz– a man who can remember the warm glow of vacumn tube radios– try to name all VW's brands, when it was clear he had no idea? By now, it should be OK to not know stuff. Lyndon Johnson knew the score when he proclaimed "A decision is only as good as the information its based on." Add in the old saw "A bad decision is better than no decision" and you have a recipe for executive success. And I'm looking at that picture of the Optima and deciding to get back to the real work of this site before the weekend closes in. Aloha.

Reuters reports that Norway is banning manufacturers from advertising a car's green credentials. As far Norways's Department of Truth (a.k.a. Consumer Ombudsman) is concerned, "cars cannot do anything good for the environment except less damage than others." By that, state censor Bente Oeverli means that certain cars can be less harmful than others, but they're ALL bad for the planet. But don't try and claim your car is less harmful than the other guys, 'cause that's banned too. "If someone says their car is more 'green' or 'environmentally friendly' than others then they would have to be able to document it in every aspect from production, to emissions, to energy use, to recycling," she said. "In practice that can't be done." Meanwhile, in the UK, Volvo was told not to repeat a claim that the C30 car was "designed with the utmost respect for the environment in mind." Now that we can understand. Respect in mind? Tsk tsk. 

Imagine GM CEO Rick Wagoner in his RenCen bunker in the middle of August. Reports from the front indicate his North American division faces a third straight month of lowered sales. As the architect of a turnaround plan with no publicly defined goals (including a return to profitability), Wagoner’s given himself plenty of wiggle room. But a bad August– in the face of production cutbacks and a rapidly declining market– would finally trigger Wall Street’s alarm clock. So what does he do? He cheats. 

God knows I've been fired from enough jobs to know the relief and exaltation that accompanies summary dismissal. Of course, my current status as a middle-aged, twice-married father of four has put a bit of edge into that concept. But I can certainly recommend getting fired to any young man and woman who isn't staring at the business end of $1.2m worth of private school tuition. As for quitting, well, that's even better. Cocaine has nothing on the high you get from knowing you never have to set foot in that m-effing workplace again as long as you live. That said, I know there must be readers who love their jobs; sensitive souls who would be devastated if they got the old  heave-ho or "had" to leave. Get over it. It's one of those Shiva deals: creation depends on destruction. If you get too comfortable in a job you're not creating personal growth, Dude. I offer these words of wisdom to Mr. LaSorda, who should unfurl that 24K parachute and jump. From what I know about The Big 2.8, from what I can see heading their way, now's a great time to tell Nardelli to take his North American Sales, International Sales, Global Marketing, Product Strategy and Service and Parts and shove it. The only Chrysler you need Tommy boy is a vintage machine sitting in your humidity-controlled garage.

Our series on really obvious safety tips continues courtesy of H.E.A.T (Help Eliminate Auto Thefts). The Michigan-based, insurance company-funded organization wants you to know that fall is car theft season. In fact, October is "the second-highest month for auto-related crimes" (how months get high is anyone's guess). What's more, "thieves prefer the beginning and end of the school week, Monday and Friday, as favorite days to steal vehicles [and] favor vehicles that are black, gray and white." Sorry, I know, that's new information. Let's get to the good stuff: how to protect your cherished whip from clever car thieves. H.E.A.T. recommends you close your windows all the way, keep your valuables out of sight, never leave your vehicle running and unattended (a gentle jog with a friend is OK), install an alarm with a "visible flasher" (invisible flashers are useless), etch your VIN number on your windows (dealers love this) and install a hidden kill switch (to confound those pesky valet parkers). I'll start the bidding with: never park next to a vehicle resting on breeze blocks. 

Alfred J DiMora is one of the most "colorful" characters in the custom car world. In other words, the larger-than-life entrepreneur's ambitions have hit the skids more than once. In terms of cars, we're thinking of the 3000 lbs., three-speed, fiberglass-bodied (with MG doors) Excaliber-esque pastiche known as the Sceptre. Back when jeans had bells, DiMora's company built just fifteen of 500 planned cars before going belly-up. Since '06, the indefatigable DiMora is aiming a LOT higher. He's looking to build "the world's first $2 million production automobile." To that end, DiMora has hired (though not paid) Detroit's Advanced Technology & Design to perform the patternless casting needed to create the Natalia SLS 2's V16 "Volcano" engine components. Yup, DiMora's dreamed-up a 14-liter, 1200 horsepower powerplant for his baby "that gets excellent mileage." In case you were wondering about DiMora Motorcars' ultimate ambitions, their motto is "Let us drive your dreams." Just so. 

[podcast with Advanced Technology & Design Prez Clifford Sands below] 

Reuters reports that a team of Australian TV comedians drove a three car motorcade (complete with motorcycle outriders) straight through three security checkpoints in the center of Sydney. The Gateway to Australia is currently hosting the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation group forum, where 21 world leaders are gathering amidst what was thought to be tight security. Embarrassed police reacted with a predictable combination of derision and misplaced anger. "Whilst I enjoy like everyone else a good laugh, this isn't funny" local police Superintendent Dave Owens told reporters. "I'm very angry that such a stunt like this could be pulled." Well, that's what you get when you deploy decoy motorcades to confuse terrorists. Anyway, Foreign Minister Alexander Downer claimed the stunt proved the security arrangements worked. "They presumably were … aiming to humiliate a lot of well-known people. The point is they were in any case arrested." Uh, I think the point is that the security arrangements were a dismal failure. The fake Osama Bin laden drove within meters of the hotel where President Bush will be staying; close enough to destroy the building with one– never mind three- car bombs. 

As Tesla prepares to miss another deadline release its electric sports car to its customers, there's a chance competitors may get there first. Or at least do it better. We've already reported Danish designer Henrik Fisker's ambitions. The Telegraph reveals that another upstart start-up is aiming at Tesla's target market. The UK's Lightning will be powered by four wheel-mounted electric motors hooked-up to Nano Titanate batteries. According to their maker, the Lightning's power pack won't explode or catch fire, charges to 90 percent of capacity in 10 minutes, doesn't mind extreme temperatures ("think mobile phone left in freezing car") and lasts 15 years. All that and a Kevlar and fiberglass body sexy enough to give the great Dane wood. The Lightning will cost £150k. We find that fact strangely reassuring, as well as MD Chris Dell's refreshing realism about his progeny's prospects. "I'm quite confident that Lightning will have a car running by the end of the year and that it's likely to do pretty much what is claimed. Whether anything like it will ever be affordable while there's oil on the planet is another matter. If nothing else, it might make people realise there are alternatives and, if they really want to walk as green as they talk, governments need to start encouraging them. The political challenges might prove tougher than the technology."

Autoblog Green reports that Honda UK has upbraided UK parents for not car pooling to school. "Nearly half of all parents who drive their children to school, take only one child in their car," Honda chided potential customers. "As a result there are over five million empty seats on Britain’s school run every day." What's more, "If these same parents drove a people carrier, like the six-seat Honda FR-V [you know, just for example], a staggering 942,596 cars would vanish from the roads during the school run." That's quite a claim (and a VERY strange image). But wait! There's a less Honda-intensive solution. "Honda’s research found that parents are able to share lifts – 60 per cent said they knew of another child within 500 metres of their home that attended the same school as their own child.” That's the kind of PC stat that made us check the source: an internet opt-in survey on tickbox.net. Still, it's plenty clever PR. And we reckon it's only a matter of time before Honda's green strategy ramps-up on this side of the pond.  

Henrik Fisker left Aston Martin to reskin (and rename) the BMW 6-Series (Latigo) and Mercedes SL55 (Tramonto). When we spoke with Danish designer back in May '06, we were not entirely convinced there was enough of a difference between "coachbuilding" and "tuning" to justify the $200k premium Fisker asked for his sheetmetal makeover and [relative to Alpine and Brabus] mild performance tweaks. So we were not surprised to read that lackluster sales (15 claimed units) have led the great Dane to go green. Hoping that F. Scott Fitzgerald was wrong about that whole "no second act" thing, Fisker's now a Tesla wannabe. He's hooked-up with Quantum Fuel Systems Technologies Worldwide. Together they might will build a $100k plug-in hybrid. Of the exact details of this venture– platform, body style, propulsion, etc,– Fisker knows says nothing. But he's well into the whole eco-cake-and-eat-it deal. "We want people to drive beautiful fast cars that make environmental sense– cars that are eco-chic and will have less of an impact on global warming."