Ah, the good old days, back when the only automotive bailout on the table consisted of a paltry $25 billion federal loan program to retool old factories (a.k.a. Chrysler, Ford and GM plants) to build fuel efficient cars. At the end of last year, when the NSFW hit the fan, President Bush tried to divert those Department of Energy (DOE) funds to Chrysler and GM, as an end run around an recalcitrant Congress. The DOE said, hey, don’t rush me babe. In the end, Bush shoved aside Congressional and bureacratic dithering—I mean, due diligence, ignored the original intent of the Troubled Asset Relief Program, sent $17.4 billion worth of TARP booty to the two zombie automakers and pissed off to Texas. Since that fateful day, GM alone has blown through the 20 bil barrier. So, what of that $25 billion DOE fund? Well, Chrysler and GM can’t have it; they failed the loan requirement’s viability test. And how. Which leaves.  . . Ford. The Detroit Free Press [almost] reports that The Blue Oval Boyz have applied for $11 billion from the federal fund. Will this Uncle Sam suckle punt Ford from the Motown moral high ground, and ding Dearborn’s dead cat bounce? Of course not! It’s a loan.

When GM CEO Roger Smith wanted to create a different kind of car company (like he didn’t have several already), he commissioned a Saturn factory in Spring Hill, TN. For a short time, the factory, the brand, the model they built, the dealers who sold them and the customers who bought them all lived happily ever after. And then the GM borg assimilated Saturn. At first, they neglected it. Then they gutted it like a fish. Then they stocked dealers with a bunch of unloved German-style imports, built somewhere other than the Volunteer State. And now, that pioneering Saturn factory builds GM’s fourth badge-engineered Lambda platform. The Chevy Traverse is not doing well, saleswise. In fact, LSJ.com reports that the TN factory producing these unloved CUVs is currently operating at 24 percent of capacity. That’s after the General spent, wait for it, $690 million re-equipping the plant for the task. And remember what we said about politics informing GM’s business decisions? Check this out . . .

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Kowalski! Report! It’s a prototype vehicle integrating a lithium-ion battery, digital smart energy management, two-wheel balancing, dual electric wheel motors and a dockable user interface that allows off-board connectivity. Translation? It’s a wheelchair for bipeds built for permanent wheelies. Rico! We’re going to need a press pass to the New York Auto Show. Thanks Rico, I didn’t know you had it in you. Private, I want you attach a small explosive charge to the bottom of that thing. We’ll give those guys a hot seat they’ll never forget. Skipper? Not now Kowalski; we’re about to capitalize on an automaker’s ADD all the way to the south pole. But Skipper, the Personal Urban Mobility and Accessibility vehicle—–Don’t withhold acronyms from me Kowalski. You know how much I love acronyms. Sorry Skip. The P.U.M.A. is a battery powered prototype. It’s effective operating range may only be a few hundred yards. And it’s made by GM. Good point, Private. OK boys, plan B. What’s that Skipper? We wait for GM to go C11. Then we pick-up a Tahoe Hybrid and use it to power this thing. When will that be Skipper? Soon. End of days, Skip? End of days, boys, end of days.

The New York Times‘ headline writer offers a piercing glimpse into the obvious: “Russian Auto Bailout Protects Jobs, Not Efficiency.” Remind me again how ANY bailout improves efficiency? Oh right: federally-funded union buyouts get rid of excess workers and facilities at the taxpayers’ expense, leaving fewer workers on the books—although adding to the automakers’ debt mountain. But that’s OK, ’cause when they file for Chapter 11, all that goes away. Da? Well, that’s not the way in works in Russia. In Russia, the government “loans” their domestic automakers billions (trillions) of rubles and . . . that’s it. I’ll be white this time, Boris. [NB: the above picture was taken in 1999.] The Gray Lady links cause and effect.

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“The new Terrain brings GMC’s history of innovation and engineering excellence into a smaller, fuel-efficient package for today’s buyer,” Buick-Pontiac-GMC vice president Susan Docherty said in a statement. “The capability attributes that make a vehicle a GMC are ingrained in Terrain, making it an appealing choice for existing traditional SUV customers who are looking for distinctive styling and increased efficiency.”

Just what the world needed: another non-street legal Maserati. The GranTurismo MC arrives not-so-hot-on-the-heels of the 2004 Maserati Enzo (a.k.a. the MC12), of which Maser made solo 50. I know the trident brand has a storied racing heritage, but why is Maserati chasing the exact same market as Ferrari with a car that might as well be a Ferrari (if it isn’t already a Ferrari, seeing that it has a Ferrari engine)? Shouldn’t Maserati be building luxury GTs? Still, it looks like a bit of fun. Maserati is asking for €135,000 plus VAT (17.5 percent in the UK) for the MC hammer, and inviting owners to race in a “gentlemen’s” series. After you. No after YOU.

TTAC’s Ken Elias was well pleased when Ford announced that it had trimmed $9.9 billion from its debt mountain by “convincing” investors to exchange debt for cash and stock. More specifically, Ford Motor Credit will use $2.4 billion in cash and stock to buy back the debt once the offer closes Wednesday. Ford agreed to pay investors about $380 in cash and stock for every $1,000 in bonds, or 38 cents on the dollar, according to company officials. As the BBC reports, removing call-it-ten-billion from Ford’s $25.8 billion debt lowers The Blue Oval Boyz’ interest payments by $500M per annum. FoMoCo’s stock rose sixteen percent on the news. Yes, well, Fitch Ratings isn’t planning a fiesta just yet. The Wall Street Journal reports that the agency isn’t impressed with Ford’s cash burn. Or rather they are, just not in a good way. And who can blame them? Last year, Mulally’s minions torched . . . ready? $20.7 billion. Remember: all the really bad news arrived at the end of ’07. Fitch analyst Mark Oline was sanguine. “Using liquidity reduces any buffer which they could need if the sales markets don’t improve in 2010.” If? Standard & Poor’s is also non-plussed . . .

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GM’s new CEO took to the airwaves on Sunday. If industry watchers had any doubts that Fritz Henderson is cut from the same cloth as his discredited, defenestrated predecessor, Henderson’s appearance on Meet The Press removed them. Like Rick Wagoner before him, Henderson’s facile, vague and evasive responses—re: the epic train wreck known as General Motors—revealed the full genius of the Talking Heads’ lyricists. “You’re talking a lot, but you’re not saying anything,” David Gregory forgot to interject. Alternatively, we could make this Churchillian: Never have so few said so little about so much. Even so, OMG.

I consider the Wrecked Exotics website something of a public service: warning supercar owners that money does not immortality make. OK, you can’t really call exotic car owners “the public.” So how about this: the site may convince supercar owners to drive more carefully, which could stop them from smashing the obscure objects of our desire, reducing the number of supercars available for sale. (Plan for success I say.) Alternatively, Wrecked Exotics could be seen as particularly nasty car porn: supercar snuff snaps. Any way you look at it, the majority of these 47 photos of hard core horror stories do NOT involve supercar slammage. It’s mainstream carnage, plain and simple. And all of them are damn hard to look at. You have been warned.

Ad Age only lists GM and Chrysler’s ad spend for all of ’08, before the ailing American automakers bellied-up to the federal bailout buffet. But the writing’s on the wall for a number of media who depend on the two teat sucklers for ad cash. The carmakers’ $3B ’08 combined ad spend has already been slashed. When Chrysler and GM go Tango Uniform, well, there’s a black hole out there with their name on it. At risk ’08 ad bucks: Car and Driver ($20.6M from GM), Automobile ($15.4M from GM), Motor Trend ($6.1M from Chrysler). If you’re wondering why the buff books’ reviewers treat GM and Chrysler products with kid gloves, I’ve just shown you the money. And here’s a pdf charting the ch-ch-ch-changes from 2007 to 2008, in terms of the two automakers’ percentage of the buff books’ total ad take [NB: ’07 was a very good year, for small town dealers, with perfume in their hair, until they came undone.]  Steve Parr, president of Source Interlink Media, is non-plussed, allegedly.

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Well, you didn’t really expect the Presidential Task Force on Automobiles (PTFOA) to highlight and delete GM’s electric/gas Hail Mary Chevy Volt without a bit of bailout-scented blowback, did you? As TTAC hath foretold since the artist once known as the world’s most profitable corporation latched onto Uncle Sam’s bounteous breasts, GM’s now a political football. While the PTFOA correctly identified the Volt as a four-wheeled turkey—expensive, unproven and late— its green-tinged supporters are legion. Bloomberg’s “person” provides the heads-up that the PTFOA’s death knell was actually a call to arms for those who resurrect the electric car.

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We know that Hollywood scriptwriters and their stuntmen enablers rely on the “fact” that cars explode. But do they? The NY Daily News reports that an SUV exploded after being struck by an OOC Benz in Benzonhurst. Just kidding—which I shouldn’t do as a dog died in this accident. Well, not IN the accident . . . And I know: the Element isn’t really an SUV (more like a box-shaped wheelchair). And we only have the News’ word that “The Honda exploded on impact, and flames shot from the engine before engulfing most of the vehicle.” Oh, did I forget “witnesses said”? My bad. So I’m interested in your expert opinion on cars, gasoline and ka-boomery. What’s the real deal here? Do we really have to worry about fleeing an accident before a careless cigarette ignites that trickling trail of gas?